Backwards Isn't a Direction (in Life)

Well, it's been a month since I've written a blog post. It's been a rollercoaster of a month. Kind of like the Boston Tea Party ride at Canobie Lake Park, when you're anticipating something scary to happen as you go up, then it's actually kind of fun and not too bad going down, and then you get SPLASHED in the face and your whole body is soaked at the bottom. One of those roller coasters. 

So, instead of going through all of my ups and downs, I think this is a good time to spend reflecting on how I've been handling them. I encourage others to do that as well.

Do you ever feel like you're taking a few steps forward, and more steps back? 

My psychiatrist, when I told her that I found myself going backwards last week, told me that going backwards isn't a thing. We can't go backwards, because wherever we go, we carry new experiences, new thoughts, and our new selves forward with us. We handle every new situation with good and bad baggage, but never the exact same as before. 

Let's just say… the reason this came up was because a couple weeks ago, I MAYBE started getting obsessive and desperate again, out of my fear of being left alone. It happened again with the same people who have never left me, thinking, as I do every time, that this surely put them over the edge, and is the last time they'll be able to handle it. Which is funny because no one who knows me is surprised when I tell them that those people didn't leave me or get freaked out when I freaked out on them again. I think they're more surprised that I still expect that to happen. Anyway, to all who are reading this, SURPRISE! No one has walked out of my life this month. Except for a couple unhappy sexist customers at work. Breaking news: that didn't trigger anything particularly traumatizing.

So as you can imagine, as we all do when we make the same mistakes - in my mind, I hadn't changed at all. I was just going back to square one.

That wasn't true, though. After it happened, everyone, instead of being upset, was actually amazed at how brief it lasted. How quickly I came back to myself and was okay again.

I spiralled for about a day, sending emails and unable to focus on anything except the voices in my head, and I pulled out of it. With help, of course. But I wasn't inconsolable. I trusted those who have been there for me, and I had the security in myself to believe I was worthy enough for these people to remain with me. I'm also developing secure attachment - which as my therapist says, is the number one line of defense in resilience in a world with challenges. 

Are you hearing this? I'm starting to believe I'm worthy. Of the true friendships I've built, and of the unconditional support I have. I believe that I'm worthy, so I believe that it's real. And you wanna guess what? Because of that, I'm truly changing. From the inside out. 

I think one of the hardest things about these times when you get soaked with water, is you can't imagine being dry again. You don't remember what it was like to be dry. You don't see your future in a dry shirt because all you can focus on is being soaked in water. 

When I'm stuck in desperation and focused on my trauma, I'm in a loop that never ends and I have no control over because it's all in my mind and I've decided I lack control - and that's not true. I have truth inside of myself, inside of my being. It's not a story concocted in my head. It's not the truth of the fears I have from my past. It's not in my head, it's in my soul. Sometimes, when everything is loud and racing, it's hard to access my soul, because I get so stuck in my head. But if I can sit still for just a few seconds, I can reach it. The voices are in my head, but the truth is there, deep in my soul, and I carry it with me. The more I gain the ability to sit still, the more that truth can control me more than the loud, busy, abusive, concerned voices.

The past week reintroduced something I forgot about - which is feeling pain. WOW. I forgot how much pain hurts. I think it's because I haven't been so numb to it. Maybe not forcing myself to feel in the wrong ways, is letting the real feeling back in, and it is painful. But if I can't sit with pain, I'll never be able to sit with any positive emotion either. I will just continue to run away from all feeling, and never truly live. 

At the end of the day, most of my fears are stuck with a past version of myself and of my life that are gone. My life will never be where it was again, the people will never be the same again, and the past version of me is nonexistent. The context for my life is different with every step of my life. I need to allow my fears to evolve with my world. The truth is, I do not need the coping mechanisms of my past anymore. I am safe from my old traumas. And today, I'm escaping the story that loops through my head faster and faster. Someday, that loop will turn into a fleeting thought. I never believed that was a possibility, which is a miracle from God.

It's also a scary possibility. Living is terrifying, when you've been distracted by your past and behaviors for such a long time. Being the one responsible for your own life is terrifying. Creating a new world for yourself, opening yourself back up again to your old fears by letting go of everything that controlled you before. Opening up to opportunities for hurt and trauma and betrayal, as well as passion and beauty and love. The only part we neglect to recognize, is we are always open to the former, when we don't let go. The only new possibility we open ourselves up to when we let go, is the latter. The beauty, the passion, the love. We don't have as much of a chance to truly embrace all of those, the entities that bring us meaning, when we are hiding from the things we fear… but really, just letting the things we fear control our lives. 

The biggest change that happened in me was being open to a new future. I finally believe I might actually graduate college. I'm afraid that someday I won't need as much help with my mental health as I did before - but all that means is that I'm in control of how often I use my support system. It doesn't mean it disappears - it will always be there. When I need it more, they'll be there more. If I need it less, they'll still be there whenever I need them. The future isn't a threat. It doesn't threaten to take away the love and support I have now. Things are now in my control, that maybe weren't in my control in the past, but my reality today is different from my past. 

I don't need the behaviors that used to control me anymore. They may have "protected" me for a time, but they've served their purpose. However much they did or didn't help, there's no point in mulling over. The fact of the matter is (my history teacher in high school hated that phrase, sorry Miss Farrell), I have no use for them. I'm in charge of myself. I have mutual relationships. I am not alone. The future is not a threat to the love and support I have. I never knew how much I believed that it was, until I wrote down now that it isn't. It's okay to believe the truth, that you have grown into. 

I used to skip my own classes in high school to sit in on some of my friends' classes, just for fun. Once I walked into my track coach's AP Lang classroom - in the middle of them giving speeches they'd been preparing for as an assignment.

After a couple of them finished since I'd been there, he said, "Kyra, do you wanna give yours now?"

I was not in this class, so I wasn't given this assignment, so obviously I had nothing prepared.

"Yep, I'm ready!" 

I tried to follow the prompt and structure of the speeches my peers had used, and so I went for it. 

My opening line was a favorite quote from a Fifth Harmony song me and my teammates used to sing all the time: "C-O-N-F-I-D-E-N-T that's me I'm confident, don't need your compliments, use common sense!" 

I spoke about confidence since that seemed to be the direction that line would be taking me. 

All that to say… I love that, so much. It's articulating: I have inner security, I don't NEED your compliments or reassurance to function, I have common sense. I can use common sense. What do I know in my soul? I am loved and supported by my people who have proven so. What is inherent to me? Worthiness and endless potential. So, I'm confident. 

I also noticed a difference this week in a response I had to eating my most challenging fear food, with my growing inner security. I was with someone I didn't believe I could reject the food I was offered, but I had a rule that I was never allowed to eat this food. There's a response I always have to eating this particular food, a response that is generally non negotiable. 

Now that I'm growing, I found out that that food rule doesn't need to control me anymore - and it is okay to let go of my way of responding to it. It is okay for things that used to not be okay for us, to be okay now. It is okay to grow. It is okay for our worlds not to fall apart from past triggers that don't control us anymore. Triggers that don't really even hold meaning for us anymore, we hardly even remember the meaning. This is becoming more and more evident to me. 

In fact - I've been breaking food rules that I have had for years and never questioned. You know what's funny - is that the earth didn't swallow me up when I broke them. No other person flinched when they saw me eat my fear food. 

When I hit all of my goals with food last week - me and my dietitian celebrated. While it was scary, it was also okay. Slowly adding in new challenges and exposing myself to these things that used to control me, even though it's terrifying, is finally moving me forward. 

I feel more freedom every day. Freedom that comes from secure attachment, internal security, realizing my food rules don't have any basis in truth, and little by little not being controlled by my past. 

(The picture is of my car going backwards in my driveway from being stuck in the snow. So maybe our cars can go backwards, but the direction of our lives can't! I had to move forward to dig myself out).