Food Problems and Dysfunctional Relationships

Let's talk about dysfunctional relationships with people and food!!! What a fun topic.

This is a hard topic for me, because relationships have impacted me my whole entire life. I have always been motivated by RELATIONSHIPS. Largely with people I look up to, and friends.

So let me start with this: one of my good friends gave me a journal on my birthday. I have a couple journals I use for different reasons, and this one I write what I need to get out of my mind and onto paper so that I can look at it and read it and understand it and remember it if I have to, or let it go if I have to. 

I had just been crushed by something someone who had been a consistent support and role model said to me. This is what I wrote: 

Everyone is just a constant disappointment. Which is what I am. And I expect more of them than that. That's why I always believe I'm crap. Because I think everyone is better. And that's why I hate everyone. Because they're not better.

Now, this of course is a negative take on life. I grew up being known as a very positive teenager, to a fault, because it was just obnoxious and invalidating to others. 

It brings me shame to feel so negatively towards most humans nowadays. BUT - it helped me so much to write that down. I am always hurt by everyone I look to because I expect them to be better than me and they're NOT. And I think so little of myself. And I'm crushed. I don't truly hate everyone, but I do go around angry all the time at others and I tend to think the worst of others' intentions. Which is horrible, because I want others to make generous assumptions about me. But since I don't do that for myself, because I think so little of myself, I can't do it for others. And because of that I am ALWAYS disappointed and upset at myself, and the people around me. 

I'm just being honest here - I hate admitting the mindset I have adapted to in life, and am actively working on shifting it. 

I've ALWAYS been impacted by relationships. Relationships have always motivated how I did in school. I was obsessed with my cross country coach who taught history, so I took 4 of her classes, a bunch of other history classes, and it boosted my GPA. I disliked all of my math teachers, so I didn't try in math, and got very low grades. It sometimes almost felt like revenge? For I don't know, me not getting along with them? Them not liking me? Obviously it hurt me more when I got poor grades. Yes, I am a face-spiter.

Because I just loved my cross country coach I decided to major in political science. She believed in me, so I wanted to succeed in her footsteps. I've since switched my career path but people who I look to or don't interact well with motivate me at high levels, whether positive or negative.

I'm also extremely self motivated, but a few years ago when my life was falling apart and I had no adults to look to who were positively supporting me, I had to drop classes and things at work were not going well at all. I did the best I could on my own and it was mediocre. I got good grades, but I could handle a significantly smaller amount of life.

I used to be afraid to share this, but now I'm feeling less of a loser to admit that I go to at least 4 doctor appointments a week. That's right, 4. And I check in over email with a 5th doctor once a week. That's 5 doctor interactions a week. 5. 

But guess what? I am able to work full time, and be in school full time, and be in recovery without being in treatment because of the positive older influences in my life who keep me in check and make me feel loved, supported, and worthy. Consistency. 

My eating problems and capacity to handle life are often intertwined with the dysfunction of relationships. I feel shame to admit it but come on, when life gets hard, trauma gets triggered, old, safe habits set in, safety-making behaviors set in.

I was in Florida on vacation with one of my best friends last week, and I talked to my dietitian before the week started. She reminded me that you can't make a mistake when it comes to eating. The only wrong thing I can do is skip something. That changed my whole mindset for the week. 

 So guess what? I tried fear-foods I hadn't had in over 5 years. I also ate pretty much my whole entire meal plan. On top of that, it was the week before I was getting weighed, which is extremely triggering to my eating disorder. I nailed that week. I did amazing. I couldn't wait to see a couple of my doctors and couldn't wait to hear how proud they would be of me and where I was in my recovery. 

The appointment went quite the opposite. I was crushed. I was frustrated. It felt like nothing I was doing or could do mattered. All of my growth on multiple levels of life, and none of it was recognizable or worthy of praise. It was a conversation of where I was falling short and what I was doing wrong. 

It made this week really hard. I have been fighting myself and my voices telling me things about myself that aren't true, telling me that recovery isn't worth it, that I'm not worth recovery. That I can try as hard as I want and it will never matter. Other things that were discussed have been weighing heavily on me and I was crushed to my core about the whole discussion. 

Relapse is out of the question. But struggling to follow my meal plan was inevitable. It's been a really hard week. 

And the truth is, I can't not be impacted by other humans. None of us can not be impacted by other humans. Especially humans we love. Where there's love, it's impossible to have real boundaries. And it's impossible not to love when we are human. So, it's dysfunctional, but you find ways to make it function. 

My job today is learning how to function better when interactions with other empathic, loving humans hurt me. And there is no way to place blame because the truth is that my actions and emotions can elicit the same from others. It's not fair to expect people to have different robot reactions to our human ones. 

The best thing to do is remembering consistent truths and patterns. Understanding what is derived from emotion and having grace. Seek where their hurt and frustration comes from, without taking the words at face value. If people haven't proven what they said in emotion to be true in the past, it's not true now. Notice patterns. Recognize human dysfunction and limitations and never hold others to higher standards than yourself, even if they are in authority or older and maybe "should" be more mature than you. Because we all have the same core values. 

(And to be fair, only one of my doctors was being negative, I got praise from others, and that particular doctor has consistently been a positive motivator in my life in general).

I believe firmly in life that you need to fight to be seen and heard, especially by those who love you. Sometimes you will get exactly what you need, sometimes you'll get hurt. But whatever you get is exponentially better than being overlooked. Nothing is worse than being overlooked.

My job is finding more effective ways to be seen. 

My other job is fighting harder for myself, to be impacted less by dysfunction. Holding on to security in all of my loving life relationships, and in God, and myself. I need to eat, period. When my body goes numb, it still needs food. When the voices tell me I'm worthless, my body's needs haven't changed. 

Being emotionally connected with others is power. It is the opposite of weakness, it is what we survive on … along with food. 

We can strengthen the effectiveness of how we connect, obviously, when we can separate our survival from relationship conflict. But when you've experienced any type of trauma or abandonment, that is ridiculously difficult. 

Glennon Doyle said the other day that sensitive people aren't stupid. They know the solutions to their problems. They know at least how to find the solution. But in moments that they are breaking down, there are no bigger feelings in the world than what they are experiencing. That needs validating. 

There is not shame in being impacted by your long life. Of course we will have reactions that make it hard to function day to day. The world is horrible. Life is extremely hard. I used to feel like a loser when triggers from conflict would send me spiraling, but that's the nature of mental illness… and the nature of connecting with others. It's just in my personality. It's an insanely beautiful quality, but it has it's serious let downs and consequences when it goes in a negative direction. Since I can't change my nature, I just have to nurture it without shame and utilize it for the better. 

In fact, I could use my emotional connecting nature when I'm in conflict to remind me of the connection's strength and let that continue to motivate me. The tough thing is I desperately want to internalize more self-motivated actions. But I'm getting there. And I'm getting closer every day. I used to be taken down and out from conflict, but I'm functioning very well right now. Very well. In fact, I'm pretty much only struggling with my meal plan, I didn't lapse or relapse, and I'm headed back on track. 

I'm sitting here trying every day to learn how to take care of myself without letting my past trauma get triggered and bring me down. The best I can do today is know that I have a beautiful quality. Connecting with humans.

I just started Grey's Anatomy to stay distracted and Izzy is one of my favorite characters (don't flip out at me, I'm on season 3), because she connects so deeply, and that both helps and hurts but the helping is so beautiful and strong that it's worth it.

She helps more than the ones who just work with no emotional connection or bonds. She has depth. It impacts her day to day, but she is more beautiful and impactful for it. 

I want to be better every day, and that does not mean losing myself and who I am. Not one bit. It's just nurturing my strengths, and learning how to love myself. It won't happen overnight, it might never fully happen, but I can validate myself - I can be proud of myself - I have grown more than ever. 

Before I let you go, an excerpt from one of my favorite songs from a concert I went to the other week. 

For 7 years running, you've been a solider

Better days are coming, if no one told you

Better days are coming for you 

So when the night feels like forever, I remember what you said to me

I know you've been hurting

Waiting on a train that just won't come

The rain it ain't permanent

And soon, we'll be dancing in the sun…

You're on the other side of the storm now you should be so proud

Better days are coming for you

Your story's gonna change

Just wait for better days

You've seen too much of pain now you don't even know

You've seen too much of pain

Just wait for better days

I promise you I won't let go

-Dermot Kennedy