Is it over for me?
Do you ever feel too different? How do we heal? Where do we begin? An eating disorder can be chronic, thus has likely brought with it scars, memories, irreversible damage, hurt relationships, loss of time, friendship, opportunities, life, things people your age do or had done that you didn't participate in, and don't know how to return to. Maybe you feel different from everyone else. Like you can't connect the way they do to each other. Like you have a view of life that they just don't have. Like they can live easy and free, and you have too much you carry with you.
Where do we even begin? I feel like I have started from scratch so many times I've lost count.
My past haunts me, and there are people still there to remind me of some of the things that I've done, that I wholeheartedly wish I could undo. The weight of guilt can keep me from believing that I am allowed to accept the grace that comes with God forgetting. Do you believe that God has forgotten?
Sometimes I fear that if I move on, I will no longer take responsibility for myself.
But what are some of my top priorities and values?
My relationship with God
My family
Helping People
Having friendships
Sports
I made them painfully simple and short, but I have a point.
I invalidate my relationship with God, by refusing to accept that he is telling the truth - that I am fully forgiven, and can fully move forward, and I am fully acceptable and loved.
I can't be there with my family if I isolate and decide I've caused too much pain, and instead of loving them, often lashing out, out of shame and hurt.
I can't help people when I am stuck in my own head, when I can't move forward from my mistakes, when I am not living out the beautiful advice I give them that it is not over for them, their hearts are huge and their past has passed.
I can't make friends, when I refuse to try, and decide that I was just not meant to have them.
I certainly can't participate in my sport if I'm still stuck in an eating disorder!
Yes, I decided for myself that I was the only person in the entire world that was not meant to have friends or be around people, ever. Hmmm… that's certainly one conclusion to come to.
What am I really doing when I choose to live in my scars? I'm preventing myself from living a life that reflects my values, and not letting myself build a new life, shaped by the new things I know. In fact, it can drive me right back into my old coping mechanisms, and lead me into creating more of what has been holding me back.
I have a choice, today. Today, I had a doctor's appointment about making friends. About deciding that maybe we all haven't made the best decisions in the past. That if there are people who no longer want to be in my life, nor want me in their lives, that we can do what we can to apologize, we weren't always the only person in the wrong, and we can create new opportunities for ourselves. My coach used to tell me that if opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
It's time to start again. Everyone in the world has things they regret. Not everyone in the world lives in their regret. Notice how I said we? My doctors weren't just talking about me. I am not the only person in the world who has regrets. Maybe mine are different and have held me back in heavier ways, but they have turned into doctors, who are in each other's weddings. I can choose to pursue life, or pursue punishing myself. They chose life.
God chooses to forget our pasts. We may have the scars, we may not be able to forget, but we can accept the grace and realize that we are the only ones that can decide to either think about it all the time, or objectively decide that maybe we would do things a little bit differently next time. Maybe two things can be true at once:
I have hurt myself and others big time; I wish I hadn't, and I was wrong.
I am no less worthy than another person, and I can live a fulfilling life, in spite of it.
It is not over for you, or anyone.
Disclosure: No one is wrong for developing an eating disorder or mental illness. Sometimes the way we act, in response, can cause damage that we can't reverse. The latter is what I refer to.
