Can We Talk About Body Image?

Can we talk about body image, please? 

Because this is the last thing to go if you struggle with an eating disorder. In fact… I would bet every woman alive has struggled with her body image, at one point or another. A lot of us struggle with this daily… maybe even hourly, or, unfortunately, minute-ly. 

But how do we get over it? I used to think that surely, the more I eat, the more functional in society I become, the more friends I have, the better I do in school...the less my body will feel as though it's the greatest measure of my value as a person.

 I'm the farthest I ever thought I would get in school right now, I've been eating more than ever to fuel for life; and yet, I still spend hours of my life staring at myself in the mirror in hopeful disgust… that maybe something will change if I just keep looking longer.

I squeeze the fat on my body to believe that it's there, that it's real. And it is. And I have to make a choice. To stand there longer until I can accept what's there, or to move on, stop "body checking," and surrender to what is. 

From this I've come to realize… improved body image is like any other successful endeavor in life. It takes small decisions and choices, every single day, that build up, until one day, you never even knew it happened, but suddenly… it no longer has the power over you that it once did. The same way overcoming restrictive eating (including dieting), and any disordered behavior or habit, takes small decisions every single day. Especially the most important decisions to not let the setbacks doom you, but making the next best decision you can make and keep moving forward. It’s an annoying reality, a simple fix to a complex, lifetime of built up shame resulting from millions of messages and past experiences that shape us, but what can I say? It’s truly the only way anyone has or can overcome. So do we just say “that’s too simple, I’m going to wait for someone to give me a better answer.”? In that case, this will always control us. There’s only one way.

This is not worth my brain space, and it's not reflective of what I want to give to the world. I want to give my heart. I don't want to be objectified, so why am I objectifying myself? 

I met with my dietitian this morning, and shared with her what I ate a few days ago. As I still fight off the remnants of my demons, they sporadically like to attack as strongly as they used to during the beginning stages of recovery. I shared with her the things the demons were screaming in my head, and she read it and nodded sympathetically. 

She told me what I had eaten that day sounded like an awesome day, there was nothing abnormal. I was hungrier, and she was so proud of me for honoring my hunger and would not stop saying how awesome that day of food sounded. I had breakfast (a breakfast of Stacy's chips and cheese), a snack, lunch, a Chipotle burrito, some chips and guac, a glass of milk, and a couple cookies. It was not a typical day for me - as I usually pack everything I am going to eat and am very particular about my choices. If I am going to eat out, I am planned and ready. We can't always predict how a day is going to go, and that day was overwhelming to me because it was different. 

My dietitian? She couldn't have been less phased by what I ate. But we both rose eyebrows at what happened in my head the next night because of it.

The reality of how far I have left to go is disheartening. But it's not like it used to be. 

I told her that the night that happened, I wrote back to the voices in my head. Right under their abusive words, I wrote,

 "SHUT UP I'M TRYING TO DO MY HOMEWORK!!!"

Then I went to bed, and read my journal that I only use to write the words that have been said to me by people who keep me going. I found my voice. I used the voices of the people in my journal, I used my voice, and with the power of the Holy Spirit, we all told the eating disorder in my head to "SHUT UP."

That was my choice last night. And when I looked in the mirror this morning, and I heard those same voices, I chose to spend less time staring. I chose not to squeeze. I chose not to wear baggy clothes. I chose not to make up for what I ate through exercise, eating less, or some other form of compensation. 

Someday, body image won't have the power over me that it does now. But this is a result of choices I need to make every day. If I enforce my body as a value in my brain, then that's what it always will be. The more I stare, the more I enforce. This is true for everyone.

We get enough dangerous messages as is about how we “should” be. But if I choose to listen to, internalize, and fan the flames of those messages, I have no integrity. Because in my heart, the way my body looks is not even on my list of values. And if you think about your own, I would be surprised if it was on your list too.  Unless your dream is to have an eating disorder or chronically diet, controlling our bodies and their shapes and weights is not going to help us achieve our dreams or help anybody. We won't even have time to focus on it or anyone else because we’d be spending all of our time trying to do the impossible, and miss out on life along the way. We have to make choices every day to tell those negative voices to shut up, and not give them the power they crave by giving them the microphone and staring at the mirror. We have power over who holds the microphone in our brains, and we have the power to choose who has power over us. That is a lot of power we have. I’ve been trying to give love power over me.

Join my in my revolution to stop objectifying our own bodies, and reclaim our value outside of body image.