For Supports

I wanted to open up a conversation that's extremely important, while I can hardly scratch the surface of it. I felt the need to write a post for those struggling with supporting and understanding loved ones who battle eating disorders/mental illnesses that they can't seem to fully overcome, and may be chronic. 

I firstly want to thank everyone who is reading this, because that means you care about someone who has a mental illness, or you care about mental illness or opening up your heart or you just care enough about me to read my writing. 

This post is more to help with perspective than to give specific tips (although I offer some, as everyone will be different in what helps them. If you need advice though I am happy to provide to the best of my ability.

I certainly am no expert on the topic, and I also know that it can feel helpless to be on the end of desperately wanting to help the person you love so much, when you either can't seem to do anything right, or don't see them changing or getting better. 

Much of this post will be coming from my book, but I will start with something that's not in my book. A horrible, difficult pill to swallow as a loved one, that needs to be acknowledged. 

Some people will not, or cannot, get better. 

Will not: There is a very thin line between will not and cannot. I hesitate to say this so it does not come off the wrong way. It's completely true that people are genetically, socially, and environmentally shaped into what they become, and have nearly no say in their health outcomes. Which is why when I say "choice," I mean they have the right, but it's hardly a choice when their minds have been set against them from the very beginning. So maybe by choice I mean "right." People have the choice, the right, to not fight their illness as hard as they can. You can try and make them want to, but it is not their moral obligation to get better. Some people do not intend to. The little bit they do to continue on in life is a miracle, and a huge deal to be acknowledged. And, they do not owe it to anyone to keep fighting. Honestly, as long as they are alive, they are still fighting, whether it seems like it or not. It's a good thing to remind them. The hardest truth for a support to accept is that it's their right to decide how much they fight. And sometimes they may be fighting with everything they have while it seems like they're doing nothing at all.

Cannot: Many mental illnesses are chronic. Even if there are small improvements, which are really big deals that need to be acknowledged, there may not be a full recovery. For example, something like chronic depression or anxiety that's just an imbalance that won't be corrected. And some small improvements don't last. 

I'm going to be repeating this many times: The only thing you truly can do is love, support, not judge, and hold their hand. The worst thing to do is try and fix them, see that nothing is helping, get discouraged that it seems like they're not trying to change or won't change or even recognize that they can't change, and walk away. And I won't fail to recognize that I know it's hard to not do this sometimes. 

Moving from there, I'm going to say no support will ever be perfect. You will inevitably say the wrong thing, set off something in someone's head that triggers something, not be able to be everything they need from someone. It's okay. Have grace on yourself, and know how invaluable you just continuing to care and try is to someone who may not have much more relief from their illness outside of a couple people who won't give up on them. 

The most important part of the book I wrote were the chapters about supports. Here, I am going to share some of the things I would like to highlight from it. 

Understanding Pushback 

Sometimes your loved one may push back at you strongly, and you might not understand where it's coming from - so it just seems like they are being mean or yelling at you, acting inappropriately or out of anger.

In reality, they're reacting to something. You don't know what's happening inside of their head. What voices might be saying, what trauma may have been triggered. That's when they need support and truth more than anything else. It's easy to be fearful or become angry yourself and pull away when that happens, and although you don't intend it, it can end up making things worse. 

It's difficult when you see someone you adore hurting so much when all you want to do is help them and take them out of suffering. Sometimes you think that you can be the person to handle them and everyone who's helped them and walked away before were just awful supports. You might feel like you're the one who can fix them, and you take on that responsibility. 

After a while though - with the intention to fix and not looking at this as God's to handle and yours to walk through with them, when you see symptoms and realize they aren't changing - you might panic and react strongly at the way they act or are living - or just get tired. Your job is not to ensure that they change, I cannot emphasize that enough. You are the most amazing thing you could be for them - a friend and support. Don't take on responsibility for them - it's not good for either of you. Just keep loving them and don't walk out. Always remember you are both fighting their illness, you are not fighting each other.  Their illness will be very irrational, which is why they are struggling so much. 

If you get overwhelmed to reach out to them because you think every conversation needs to be heavy but they're on your mind a lot, tell them they're on your mind. That will help them know you're still there, and it might even make you feel less pressure.

Remember that you have a friendship outside of their illness and both of you need to laugh and have fun. Ask them what outfit they think you should wear to your date, keep the relationship 2 sided as best you can and have fun. 

If they are overwhelming you - I would avoid words like "setting boundaries" and "taking space" - anything that might make them feel like they've pushed you away or they are too overwhelming for you. They already believe that no one can love them as they are, and their life is too overwhelming for themselves. The best thing to do is keep an open line of communication ALWAYS to prevent any buildup of bitterness on either end, and approach it by saying something like, "it is difficult for me when you communicate like this. Here is another way you've communicated to me before that's been helpful for me. And what do you think I can do better in?"  

There is so much more to talk about on this topic but in order to cover a couple more I should stop here. 

Celebrating Victories 

Sometimes it can be easy for people to forget to recognize small steps in our recovery because they seem very insignificant - and can unintentionally continue to push more things on us without recognizing progress. I'll tell you one thing, every memory I have of being celebrated by my PA for having something like a bagel when it was my fear food, being told someone is proud of me for taking my meds every day even though I did not accomplish any of my other goals that week, acknowledging that it's a huge feat to let my weights be blind so that I can't see them and how brave I am for that - these memories stick in my head and fight off the bad voices. 

Not being lifted up can feel lonely, misunderstood, and hopeless to keep overcoming mountains when it doesn't matter to anybody what you've already done. Every new goal that's set before us can feel like a mountain, even if it seems small to someone else. The amount of pushback I get inside my head for even eating 3 meals a day sometimes, even still,  can be so intense I can't really function the rest of the day. And 3 meals doesn't include the snacks I'm supposed to be having too. 

Constantly lifting them up for victories is essential. They are being bombarded relentlessly in their minds with what they are doing wrong and where they can be doing better. They need to be built up as often as possible.

Most of their victories are things their eating disorder is screaming at them for and telling them they are failures for - and so even though they may want to celebrate, it's mixed with guilt and pride and terror, and they can't be happy about it on their own. Being excited with and for them makes them want to move forward and can prevent bitterness. Even if they react rudely to your compliment, know that they might have to do that to prevent their voices from getting angry at them for believing what you said - but you are still one of the only reservoirs of truth for them, and the encouragement will go a long way. 

I would also avoid saying "but" after lifting someone up - and waiting until you are off the topic of what you're proud of them for if you want to call them higher in another sense, in order to not invalidate what they've been doing. If it was a big feat, I would wait for a new conversation.

I would even say to think about whose responsibility it is to call them higher. Do they have doctors calling them higher? If so, your only role is to support them. Their doctor's job is to help them grow and get healthy. Your job is to love them. If you are a Christian and believe you always need to be calling each other higher - remember that the only job a Christian has in another person's life is to love her sister as herself, and the best way to love someone in this position is by supporting them. Listen, walk with them, and count on their doctors or therapists - remembering they are doing hard work with them. 

If they do not have a therapist or doctor at all, I discuss in my book how to approach the topic. I won't include it in here, but if you have questions about helpful ways to approach it if you are worried for a loved one, please feel free to email me or slide into my DM's. 

Where They are Coming From 

The last thing I wanted to bring up in this post was one of the most helpful things I learned at a conference for female athletes. In one breakout session I went to, the speaker was sharing her experience as an athlete with an eating disorder and said, 

"Just remember that the girl you are speaking to is incredibly determined. She is a hard worker, she is selfless, she cares about her teammates, she is a straight A student, etc…." [insert adjectives describing your loved one].

And I started tearing up. I had never heard myself spoken about that way before that, as a girl with an eating disorder. The assumption made about me walking into any situation with someone knowing my condition was "crazy, obsessive, can't control herself." 

As a support, it's essential to think about the person's intentions. They just want to do the right thing. Maybe scary things are driving them to push their godly qualities past the limits into destructive habits, but someone battling this is no evil-intentioned, uncontrollable, impossible, rebellious human. They are trying. They are trying to be good, while told in their head they will never be good enough, to keep doing what they are doing and to do a better job at it or else. They are told they are a bad person for not being more "self controlled" and not listening to their eating disorder more. 

Think about how a spirit of discipline is great until it becomes legalistic and overbearing. How a spirit of hard work is fantastic until we neglect the people in our lives we love by only working all the time. Now think about something screaming inside of your head,

"WORK HARDER OR NO ONE WILL LOVE YOU. YOU'RE GOING TO EAT? DO YOU WANT YOUR TEAM TO FAIL? ONLY THE SKINNY GIRLS WIN. DO YOU HATE YOUR TEAM? YOU SELFISH GIRL. YOU WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH. YOU ARE DISAPPOINTING EVERYONE WHO MATTERS TO YOU. DO YOU WANT TO GO TO HELL? WORK HARDER, YOU LAZY SLOTH. YOU'RE NOT EXERCISING ENOUGH. YOU SELFISH, HEINOUS PERSON."

If you are responding to this constantly, you're going to think you have to keep pushing towards the goal that these voices are telling you to reach, or else. You think you are doing the right thing, and you fear what will happen if you don't. Suddenly you can't control it, and it becomes hopeless because the voices are still there but you realize you need to stop. Now you have people on the other end of your life saying "What are you doing?? You're killing yourself! You're breaking out hearts! Do you love us? Why would you hurt yourself like this? What are you doing? Just eat. Just stop making these decisions." 

So what do you believe? What in the world do you believe? You can't win.  

Here are some things people say to me that get me that can quiet down the voices in my head.  "You are never alone; I am walking through this with you; you are so brave; I am so proud of you; We will overpower the voices; they are not real, but my voice is, so listen to me because you can trust me; *list of everyone who loves them* we are all here with you; use my voice, and reach out to me when you need someone to quiet them down; etc." 

Even if they don't seem upset, these are good reminders for them. Their baseline level of happy might even be what you consider being mildly sad. The more truth they have the better.

My PA will add in emails "Don't forget you are never alone, and your treatment team is always on your side." 

Remember that when they are at their worst, even if it seems like they are not doing a single good thing, finding one thing you can tell them you are proud of them for will go the longest way. Even if they push back at you, know it makes a difference.

None of my supports are perfect. I, as someone who struggles, can be a lot to handle. My illnesses are a lot for me to handle, and it shows when I'm seeking support. Anyone who's tried to help me can attest to that. I will tell you though, that I give a lot of credit to my supports that I've decided to keep moving forward and holding on. Thank you for caring enough about someone to try.