Secure Attachment, Shame, and Trauma...for Everyone

Most times before I share something about myself, I sit here feeling icky. Somewhere inside of me believes that someone out there must relate and that's why I put myself out there, for that one person; and yet, part of me still hears inside of my head that I'm being too vulnerable. No one can know these things about me and still accept me as a person. That I can't only not be loved for what I post, but further, I'm less human, because other humans are not the way that I am. 

I know the contrary is true though. What I post is what makes me human. It's the taming that the world did to me inside of me telling me not to share things because they make me less human when in reality it only connects me more to other people's true humanity. The more confusing things I share about myself that I've felt horrible and disgusting for, have turned out to be general human reactions that everyone with similar experiences in life, have experienced.  

I didn't post last week because my head was in a dark place again. My thoughts in general have been racing a lot more. When my anxiety starts acting up, the depression decides that everything is hopeless, and they start working together like they have a science project due the next day they never started and they're puling an all nighter.  

What was triggering this reaction was coming from a part of me I don't enjoy talking about. I don't talk about it, because of shame. But because I carry so much shame for it, it probably means I'm not the only person who's struggled here. In fact when I actually talked about it for the first time after ignoring the supports in my life who told me I could use some help with it, I learned that it's not even remotely something to be ashamed of. 

So lately, I've been talking about attachment. I tend to get attached to people in my life who have been there for me for quite some time, and then live in fear of them leaving. This caused me to frequently seek reassurance that they are there and never leaving, and I would be fine when it was given. If someone ever said something to imply a contradiction on accident, it would send me into a spiral. 

I used to think that this made me the biggest loser in the world. 

Why would I be so attached to some woman/women? Most people my age just have friends, and here I am relying on supports to get through life. For years I've carried a significant amount of shame for this. I've lived in fear of abandonment for a long time, and with multiple different people. Some of those people have walked away after years, validating the fears and negative voices. 

The voices telling me I can't be known and loved, everyone leaves, I'm so horrible that even the greatest people in the world can't keep their promises to me because of how awful I am as a person. And then would come a constant influx of shame that it was affecting me so much. Because normal people feel this way when they experience a breakup - and here I am heartbroken over some woman/women who promised she would support me through my mental illness and life. 

In high school before I was even struggling much with my mental health, I would get this attached and be confused why someone would be very closely involved in my life for long stretches of time, and then stop suddenly at some point, because they no longer see it as their role. Or maybe it was a paid role, and I no longer fit the criteria. And in general, in life, relationships shift and change. 

What kills me is how deeply it affects me when I feel threatened that I'm going to lose somebody. Because when I feel threatened, I really push back  (which becomes very off putting) and need to prove to myself that it's not true just to feel okay again, and also to stop bugging them. And this, on the receiving end for many, is very overwhelming… as it comes with a lot of emotional emails looking for reassurance.  

So, you can imagine, as I'm very sensitive to hating myself whenever I do anything wrong, that pushing back at my supports because I'm afraid they're leaving me just fills me with shame, and makes me feel like a loser. When someone brought up working through "attachment," I didn't realize what they meant by it. I thought they meant I needed to stop being an overwhelming person and figure out how to find security in myself and God so I can leave people alone, because I'm pushing them away and they can only handle me in very small amounts and my existence is bringing their life down.

Turns out, this was NOT what they were saying. At all. 

They meant getting a little more help to work on believing the truth about people staying in my life from those who are, and developing secure attachment. They want to figure out how to help me internalize the truth and have it reinforced inside of me so I can learn to trust and believe that people are not leaving, make the relationships feel secure, so I don't have to live my life feeling threatened and in fear of losing it all. This truth turned the shame around into something touching and beautiful to me. All people want is for me to trust their love for me, and believe that it's true. And also, to have inside of me the ability to ride out my fears and bouts of anxiety, so they don't spiral into terrible depressive episodes, when someone says something that feels as though they are threatening to leave or taking back what they've said. Learning that others are human, and their word choice can be poor, but trusting the truth, and not being brought down so intensely by a misinterpreted sentence. The more I can learn to do this and feel secure in my current relationships, the more I will be able to actually build more in the world, and not experience the same spirals when other people say things they don't mean, OR they DO mean them, and I learn how to live with it.   

One part of this that made me feel like a loser was that I believed there was no reason for me to be the way that I am. I'm just a human that can't connect with humans. I am impossible.

For the first time recently I even questioned God. I wondered why he would create someone who's deepest core value, desire and need is to be understood, and throw her in a world where no one can understand her. It felt cruel to me. 

The first thing I felt shame for was questioning God and on top of that thinking the words that he would do something cruel. Which, turns out, is okay to do. And then I got really angry, because I hate being misunderstood. Nothing rejects my core needs more than being misunderstood. This world is a horrible place to be understood. The world is not an understanding place. 

But humanity is. And there's no way I'm alone in my fears. 

It turns out that trauma causes so many fears which develop into wondering if everyone is going to leave you all the time, that things don't last, that you're trapped and alone and you can't get out of situations and that it's all going to end horribly. And you have proof for it, from your traumatic experience(s). It turns out, a SIGNIFICANT amount of people relate to this. I haven't talked to many of them, but most of them aren't talking about it. 

There is always a reason for how we are.

Why do we have so much shame for feelings that naturally come to us, and for tendencies that clearly developed in attempts to be safe and protect ourselves, from something that triggers some of our deepest fears and belief of being trapped with no way out? We are actually WIRED this way. Physiologically our brains change when we experience trauma to react in different ways and to different things. We don't even have a choice in the initial response because it's inside of us.  

I am starting to understand that every tendency we have developed is for a reason. A deep reason, something that impacted our core values and needs. 

There is absolutely no shame there. Of course you would react this way. Of course. And this is what we need to keep telling ourselves and telling other people. Of course you would react this way. Of course you would have these feelings. It just makes so much sense.

You know where I get most of my validation? Besides my psychiatrist and doctors and mom - and sometimes this validation actually feels more lasting and true?  

I get it from friends I've been with in treatment. Talking to them, and their blog posts. 

Why? Because they are honest, and because I BELIEVE them. I can validate them, understand what's behind how they react in my head, because it makes so much sense to me. Knowing their histories, knowing what they are going through. And when they share, my heart slows down, and I feel safe again. I'm not the only one. I'm not a sick human being - I'm far from it. Here I am, connecting to a human. A beautiful human who I think is amazing and I want the best for. Nothing they're feeling is wrong at all, or "sinful," it all is normal and just makes sense. It makes so much sense. 

One friend mentioned something in her blog about how she has a lot of trauma - some was caused by things she decided to do, and some of it she had absolutely no contribution to what happened, it just happened to her.

I have both of these types of traumas as well. 

Yet, I feel deep, deep shame that I have trauma in my life that I contributed to. 

But what she said about herself, the compassion she had was mind blowing and heart changing for me. 

She said that they are equally traumatic. She talked about how trauma survivors are constantly going over the scenario and how they could have prevented something unpreventable. Even though the situations that may have been a result of a decision they made get tricky. How does that suddenly take away from the trauma? If there is trauma, there is trauma. And it makes so much sense for someone to react to anything that triggers the situation or feelings related to it in your inability to escape whatever happened during that time. 

This doesn't just apply to people who have traumatic experiences. This applies to anyone who has any experiences. Feelings make sense. They just make sense, they are physiological responses to the world and our core values. There is no room for shame in healing, it is destructive. It does not only delay the process, it prevents it altogether. We cannot heal if we still carry shame. 

It is incredibly difficult work to do, but I want to live my life without constantly being controlled by my own trauma, the voices in my head, and living at the mercy of other people's words. So I can either harbor shame for a completely normal thing that is not even remotely wrong, or I can put in the work to trust and develop secure attachment. 

Shame is tricky where it won't just go away. But the more I talk to people who can validate and help me move forward, and the more I choose to just show up every day, the closer I get. I'm going to refuse the space in my head for shame, and create more space for reinforcing the truth. 

It all starts with 6 words, even if someone else has to say it for you,

"Of course you feel that way."