Being a Woman in 2020
Now that my depression has calmed down a bit and I can feel again, I am angry. But not just angry. I'm actually hurt. It's not fun anymore to be at work while a customer makes derogatory comments about women as if I'm not standing there, and a woman.
I have to keep in mind though, in my lifetime, which hasn't been too long, many things have changed.
There are many perks to being a woman in 2020, thanks to the women who came before me:
I can vote! For 1 of 2 men who have both sexually assaulted women. But one of the candidates may bring us the first woman as a vice president! Depending on whether or not we can get over who she's dated. That would be cool though, to be represented in office someday while I'm alive. In the meantime, we'll make sure that men are still able to vote on issues regarding women's bodies.
I can work almost any job I want to! Although, I'm only going to make 80 cents to my equally qualified male counterparts dollar.
Sexual harassment is legally not tolerated in the workplace! Although, you'll still get sexually harassed. Something may or may not happen about it. Also might as well not report it, in fear of retaliation, losing friends, being mortified. You would probably become the problem for reporting being degraded in the place you spend most of your day all week. Actually maybe you should just ignore it.
Rape is a felony! Although, it is only your word against his. It may or may not make it out of a rape kit and become a case. No one might believe you. Do you really want to go to court for this anyway and face it every day? And why would you subject him to that?
Sexual assault should be expected under certain circumstances you subjected yourself to. I mean, you should probably think about what you are wearing, what you've had to drink, if you are alone, what you could have done wrong, and remember, it's really hard for men to control themselves. Don't be too hard on them. Consider all of those things and THEN decide, "did I have it coming for me? Is it really his fault? Am I making too big of a deal out of this?
Wanna know the truth about why I hate and stopped doing something I love, going out dancing with friends (because I love dancing and being with friends and music)?
Because every time I've gone I've been touched or grabbed.
I used to think "well, I'm out dancing, I should probably expect this to happen."
I brought it up to my friend, because I was feeling really scummy for getting myself into those situations. Because guys assume we're here for that and for them, so I should have assumed and should assume that if I go out that will happen. My friend said "No Kyra, you should not have that as an expectation." What??
That was a huge shock to me. I mean every time anything like that has happened, I think about everything I've done wrong. And because I think about that regarding the most intense situation I've been in, there's no way I can look at these "insignificant," "small" situations as something to complain about. If I see the biggest one as my fault, then I've had all of these coming for me.
How about how many women I've listened to describe situations they've been in and all they talk about is how much shame they feel for it, but once they explain the whole story I just want to drive to that man's house and slash his tires because my friend was saying no, but maybe the no wasn't clear enough. I can't even count how many of those I've heard.
How many people lose friends over being brave enough to come forward with what someone did to them, and merely standing by what they said as having happened.
The names I've been called for coming out with things that have happened to me. By people I'm close to.
How many "me too" circles I've sat in? That turns into hours just to get through everyone's stories?
Don't get me wrong - nothing has comforted me more in life than "me too" circles, and it's definitely a step in the right direction that women are brave enough to step out and say "me too."
I just wish that we were saying things like, "I like apple pie," "Hey no way, me too!"
I won't share everything I've been through, to protect myself from sharing my own trauma and because for some reason I still feel the need to protect the men regardless of what they stole from me.
There are so many stories I can't speak of because of the people who were involved in them. Stories that feel like they need to be shared so other people can come out of the closet with theirs.
You have experiences in settings you never would expect such sexism to exist. And because you wouldn't expect it, you can't talk about it. They're mostly good, and you can't disrupt the peace.
I mean, my favorite one of all is being written off as emotional and incapable of leading, while the male leaders are making significant decisions about people's lives- that if you say something that hurts their pride, they can destroy you because they didn't feel respected. That's not emotional, though. Not at all. That's different. You weren't respectful. Why would you hurt his feelings like that? Why didn't you just agree with him and listen to him and do exactly what he told you to do? Whatever outcomes result from this are not punishments, they are results of your actions, and you need to learn that lesson. Do NOT bring up another opinion, that would be argumentative, and may come across as disrespect also, btw.
And if you are going to be upset about it, be careful who you tell. You don't want to lose friends over it, again. That was too painful and not worth it last time.
If you're lucky enough to have this kind of support, you might have more of a chance to be heard if you prepare well. It's a lot easier to be heard when you speak if you have a man present with you, backing up what you say. Nodding to confirm what you're saying is true and you have a valid, credible person behind you.
Actually, it would be better if he did the talking altogether. It's 2020, guys. Be reasonable.
A woman being emotional is MUCH different than hurting a man's pride. It might be even worse when she's on her period. She might have some compassion for a person who is about to be punished for something, and think about where they were coming from.
She might think through the effects of every person's life before she makes a decision regarding a whole group of people that are not exactly like her. We wouldn't want to see that kind of emotion in powerful positions of authority. That would be dangerous.
Also we should keep in mind the Bible, and the way women were expected to act in biblical times. We should probably ignore all of the cultural context. And probably the idea that society was designed in a way to control women back then. Don't think about that. If the Bible written 2000+ years ago loves women and also thinks that they should be controlled and definitely should not be leading a group men are present in, we should probably just go with it. We don't want to upset our deeply loving God, and Jesus, who was actually so opposed to social injustice he fought it every day. He wouldn't want to see any of this shift and change in how we treat and respect women happen... (I hope people can hear my sarcasm). Definitely not the Jesus who appeared first after raising from the dead to a woman who bad been cast out of society and demon possessed earlier on in her life, appeared to her first, as a woman, so she could go tell all of Jesus's best friends because he trusted and loved her… but none of them believed her. Even though Jesus had told them time and time again he was going to do it. Not that Jesus. (more sarcasm).
But like, have some sympathy. it's scary to trust women. We aren't used to doing it. We aren't even really used to calling women women.
I mean let's talk about how often we get called "girl," regardless of our age.
If I was a girl, the way you're looking at me right now would definitely be illegal.
But remember you're wearing spaghetti straps, that's probably why he's looking at you that way. Those spaghetti straps, by the way, are much more intolerable to institutions than racism. So let's talk more about that. We can't be unprofessional here. We don't want men to lose control.
A friendly reminder from earlier, what you wore is more important than what he did to you.
Before I end this long hysterical rant, I want to remind women,
I'm sorry, girls*****,
that your weight might end up outshining your personality or intelligence. So, be careful about letting your natural body size exist as it is.
If your confidence doesn't come from your weight, people might be worried about you and your health.
In fact if you want to play a sport, you'll probably be more pressured to be skinny and lose weight than you will to not starve your body and actually get stronger and better at your sport. This is important. You should really break your bones and potentially never be able to do what you love again, instead of risking not looking like what makes people feel better for female athletes to look like.
Going off of that, another friendly reminder to always get a salad when you're out with people so you don't look like you eat a lot, and don't have it with dressing because who needs to absorb the vitamins in salad that are the only reason salads are healthy and nutrient dense but can only be absorbed with fat, because they are fat soluble vitamins?
YOUR IMAGE IS IMPORTANT!!! You need to spend more time thinking about your image and being preoccupied with your body size and less time worried about advancing in your career and getting to spend time on the things you value.
Never mind about that, you don't have a choice. The world will make sure that's what you spend your time thinking about.
I also hope you enjoy this time of year finding a halloween costume that doesn't sexualize you. Remember that your body is an object. Men are meant to sexualize you. If you didn't want to be objectified, you shouldn't have a woman's body!! What is wrong with you!!! You did this to yourself.
Before I leave, remember that sexual assault jokes on TV or from male friends are funny, and they are NOT sexual harassment. Everything should be laughed at at some point. No matter how intimately violated you have been. Take it lightly, everything should be joked about. Take a deep breath, and keep all of those nauseous and sick feelings in. Ignore the trauma response. Calling out these jokes make people uncomfortable, and remember, they're FUNNY.
You know, now that I keep talking about it, yeah. All of this makes sense. Women are pretty much equal to men nowadays. Why do we keep talking about all of this feminist stuff? It's really uncomfortable for people.
End Note: This is a beautiful song written by Mickey Guyton, called "What Are You Gonna Tell Her?"
Gives me hope that it's being talked about, and was sung at the American Country Music Awards.
I have no idea what I'm going to tell my daughter, but hopefully when it comes time, it won't be all of this.
