When You Feel Like You Just Aren't Changing

As promised, I have another blog post today, and I'm writing right now with serious frustration. With myself, with other people, and with my eating disorder. 

I usually wait the extra week to make a blog post when I'm not in the headspace to share about my thoughts and life. Last week, that was not even remotely the case. I was doing amazing last week. I was taking my medication every day, and it was working. The voices in my head were quiet, I was eating more than usual and meeting goals that my dietitian set for me, and I felt that baseline feeling of "happy" that had been foreign to me for such a long time. I did not feel deserving of it, but I continued taking my meds and eating well because I just felt like I was one with my treatment team, and was finally seeing a future for myself. 

The reason I didn't post last week was because I was procrastinating on homework and studying. I know this seems very typical and normal of many people, and usually I take my procrastination lightly, but right now, that's not how I feel. The same night that I had an exam I hadn't started studying for in the morning, a lab report, a homework, and an article review all due the next day, I had a facebook "memory" pop up, from 9 years ago. 2011. I would have been 12 years old. 

The post was a letter to procrastination, asking it to incapacitate my teachers temporarily so I wouldn't have to turn in assignments, because I had been very loyal to it for such a long time and I needed it to give back to me. 

The post had some laughs and I was laughing when I saw it. 

I had a partial sinking feeling and a partial comforting feeling. The comforting feeling was "Well, I've turned out just fine, and it's been more than 9 years of this. I think I'll be okay." 

The sinking feeling was, "Have I even changed?" 

That was part 1. Part 1 of my frustration started that day. I compromised following through with my commitment of blog posting every 1-2 weeks (2 weeks more often than 1) because I procrastinated. I compromised my integrity, because I haven't grown in a habit I have had since before I was 12 years old. I also could have compromised my grades.

My frustration continues. 

I check in with my doctors every week about how I am doing. If I am eating enough, how well I am taking my meds, if I'm not over exercising, if I'm staying up on my feet. The dietitian I have worked with for a very long time is out on maternity leave until December. I love her. We have been working on getting me to be able to eat without needing to exercise, or to not feel horribly if I don't exercise. Now that my foot is still broken, and it has been broken since June, largely because of my inability to properly care for my body, I have had a huge opportunity to learn how to eat without exercising. It's been 4 months since then, and I thought I might have to tell my doctors that I'm not going to overcome my exercise addiction by the time my dietitian is back in December. Which is fine, because you can't easily overcome something you've battled for years and years in just 7 months; but it has been 4 months, and I am not where I want to be. 

It's not just the exercising and the eating. It's the incessantly looking at my body in the mirror. It's the changing clothes that look fine 7 times because I don't want anything to be too skin tight to show my legs or my stomach or that I have any kind of figure at all, proving my body has fat. You know, like EVERYONE ELSE'S BODY. I still stigmatize fat to myself. How much time do I spend preaching to others that fat is not indicative of health, or moral value at all? Aren't I dedicating my life to this? I am about to become a professional in this field, and yet I'm still struggling with these internalized thoughts and feelings and disorders that have been with me since childhood. 

Do you ever just feel like you have habits you can't change? 

Part 3 of my frustration. 

I had to change my habit today. I don't know why. But I did. I'm not allowed to run because of my broken foot, but I am allowed to ride my bike. I finished ⅔ of the amount of biking that is allotted to me weekly during my recovery period. Only ⅔. I usually do exactly what I'm allowed to do or slightly over. If I don't, my mind goes crazy. The voices get loud, my body image crumbles even worse, and I have a really difficult time focusing, studying, reading, or being a genuinely nice person. I did not finish my bike ride today. I was not feeling good. I just wasn't. I was tired and oddly enough, even though I've felt like I've been eating too much, I did not feel fueled for the ride. I also had SO MUCH work to do. I have an exam I'm not ready for in a couple days, a couple assignments (one of which is already late), I have a blog post I promised that I even considered not doing, and my integrity matters SO much to me, so I was angry that I was willing to compromise it again, and I have work today. Did I mention I'm exhausted? So I did it. I made a step to change. I hope I can take that step again someday. 

The frustration is still there, though - and the frustration is coming from every angle of how I shouldn't be upset, and the fact that I am upset. There's frustration that even what they are allowing me to do is less than normal for me, and I can't even do THAT. That my friends are doing way more than I am, and all the comparisons I can think of in the whole world. The frustration that deep inside of me, I really don't even want to go out on my bike right now, I don't even want to be riding as much as I'm allowed to sometimes, even though it's not that much, and how that makes me feel about myself. That's a hard one to admit. Exercise addiction is horrible. I'm so tired of exercising and having the obsessive and paralyzing drive to exercise. That if I don't, I crash and burn. The fact that it is controlled is helpful, but it still haunts me. At night, during the day, when I'm studying, when I'm with other people, in the middle of class, etc. 

It's not just the exercise addiction. There are still foods I eat that put me on edge all day. Not always just all day, sometimes multiple days. I am still on edge today from stuff I ate a couple days ago. Right now, as I write this, I'm afraid of what my head will do to me because I did not finish my bike ride today. I can't even focus enough to not say that again because it's on my mind that prominently.

I have nothing profound to say today. It's really hard to look back and realize how much of your time was spent on things that don't honor your values. Oftentimes more than 50% of my brain would be preoccupied with things that don't truly matter to me. It's frustrating knowing how many years of my life have been spent in relapse and recovery, and relapse and recovery. I don't want that to be my future. I'm in recovery right now though, and that's important for me to recognize. I've been in recovery for quite some time now. 

I was frustrated today because I stopped my bike ride. I've been frustrated that my injury is a result of the years I've spent not taking care of my body, and the prolonged healing a result of my lack of taking care of my body over the previous months of healing. And the frustration for stopping the bike ride is a result of the exercise addiction and eating disorder that are still rampant in my mind. 

Today was a big step for me. I'm not going to eat less today even though I stopped my bike ride. And I don't think I'm going to make up for the bike ride. I've had positive days like this before. I also am not going to be able to stop thinking about what I ate two days ago and yesterday or the fact that I cut my exercise short. I know that it is okay. I know every food has nutrients, and I know that my body is going to land at the weight that it needs to be healthy, and I am not in control of what that weight will be. It all makes sense logically. I wish my brain would change, because I want to be more than my habits, more than my disorder, and have more than 50% of my brain focused on my values. 

This post is just about where I am right now. I'm not happy with where I am, I'm not happy about this post. I want my blog to be more giving than it is. I want to be in the place where that is possible. But I accept both things as they are. I can only move forward from here - because life moves forward whether I want it to or not. 

I encourage everyone who is frustrated with themselves to do what all of you will want me to do and practice self compassion, recognizing where you are now vs. where you were a year or 5 years ago. Notice the little things, the new relationships, the small accomplishments. I'm sure they're bigger than you think they are. Ask someone. It’s not compliment fishing - you need to hear it. You need someone who is not you to tell you you’ve grown and where they see it. Someone told me I’ve grown in something that I’d been beating myself up for. That was very impactful for me.

While I know I've grown, I'm letting myself be frustrated right now. I'm sure people can relate to this.