Failing Filled With Shame
I have failed in every different way that I can think of. I've failed tests, I've failed races, workouts, kids who look up to me, my parents, my closest friends, my doctors, my own integrity.
I've more than failed. I'm so ashamed of my failures, that often the shame has kept me from becoming a better person for them. But not just from becoming a better person - just from accomplishing any tasks at all. It sometimes keeps me from moving forward, from thinking about anything else, and having any sense of freedom from it.
If failure was mud, I roll around in it, living in my failure and covering myself with it.
What happens often, is that I so badly want to feel better about something, so desperately want it to not be my fault, that I search for that validation, every way I can. I look for pity, for understanding, for someone to just say, "it really wasn't your fault." "What else could you have done?" "You did not fail."
I don't think there is anything wrong with getting validation. I actually think we need to give and receive more validation. I also think it's important to have a sober minded view of what is our responsibility to take, without taking on other people's responsibilities as our faults.
I don't want this message to be taken the wrong way.
The problem I find sometimes, is that in failures that in my heart of hearts I know are my own failures, I'm so desperate to not have done anything wrong, to be known for my purest intentions, and to validate my most human quality that I would never, ever, ever, do anything to hurt anyone, or that I am a hard worker - that no amount of validation will console me.
I'm seeking in desperation to appease my ego.
No one can grow without softness and compassion. In an ironic way, we cannot be soft on ourselves, if we cannot accept our failures for what they are. Human failures. No matter what the pure, true intention was. We failed.
No, I did not mean to inflict pain upon someone who means more to me than the world.
No, I did not mean to spend so little time studying that I did not understand the material to do well in that class.
But here's the deal, it still happened. I did those things, and I failed those situations.
And here's the validation I do need, not just from others, but from myself: "Of course you reacted that way, because this is how you were feeling." "Of course you couldn't study, this is what was going on in your life." "It makes so much sense why this happened."
Validating yourself is not going to lead you to become lazy or a bad person - it will lead you to move on, understand yourself, have compassion and empathy, and become the greatest person.
People, at least I can speak for myself, who look for justification for the actions in it of themselves, are usually already beating themselves up. I will speak unkindly to somebody, and then try and justify it to my mom explaining "well 3 men disrespected me today at work, and then this other person came in and did this, and so I was flippant, I couldn't take it anymore."
Did I fail in that situation? YES! There was no reason for me to be rude to another person, no matter how they bothered me. I was agitated, and I failed to treat the person the way I would have wanted to be treated, were I on their end.
I think some of the most off putting people in the world, I've realized, are those who internalize so much shame for their failures, that they are in denial, constantly trying to prove justification for their actions, the way they speak and treat others, the results of their actions, and the hurt they cause. And these people are almost always rubbing us the wrong way, because they can't accept failure. They cannot accept what they believe failure would mean about them as a person.
Compassion and validation softens. Once I'm softened, I don't have to keep justifying my actions. Because I either have a strong enough sense of self that I know my worth regardless, and that I can move on and improve; and/or, I have somebody who does not need me to justify myself, because they see me for who I am. A pure hearted, pure intentioned woman, who in her humanity, messed up. Both of those scenarios will set you free.
My new favorite show is called "Madame Secretary," which recently was canceled this spring after 6 seasons. Luckily I'm only at the beginning so I have plenty of time. I'm completely obsessed with it. A side note - I'm 19 episodes in and I've been watching about a week, but I'm only that far in because I have rewatched 15 of those with my mom already. (Whoops).
The Secretary of State's daughter was angry at her because in her mother's past as a CIA agent, she had allowed someone to be tortured for the heinous actions he had inflicted upon innocent children and adults.
Her daughter didn't talk to her for a while, because she couldn't believe that her mom would be evil. The Secretary continued on with her life's business - not proud of what she had done, but accepting of it. She was very sad and hurt (while understanding) that her daughter could not see past her failure, but she had a strong sense of self, and also a husband who knew her worst, and loved/accepted her regardless, seeing past her worst.
Eventually, her daughter came around, and said it was time for her to stop defining her mom by her lowest moments.
The truth is, we are not defined by our lowest moments, and we can't define ourselves that way.
I've spent years defining myself by my lowest moment. One of the things I most regret happened years ago now, and every day I think about it. I think about who was hurt, what I'd done, and yet I still try and find a new way to justify it. I'm filled with so much shame that I can't just move on.
To be fair, my failures in life have been met with rejection. I have lost invaluable things in my life, from mistakes I've made. It's difficult to not fear failure, especially when failure has stolen important things from you. As a result, failure is associated in my head, with unworthiness and loss.
Sometimes I get stuck and frozen, and my anxiety gets so bad that I'm paralyzed, and my depression so loud where there's nothing I can do about it. Then it starts to get dark inside. I don't know where it's coming from… it just happens. And I can accomplish nothing.
I thought I was afraid of hard work. But I looked back on my life, and have accomplished very difficult things. My psychiatrist told me I was afraid of failure. It just didn't feel like that was quite right. Then my mom told me that she thinks I associate making a mistake, with becoming unworthy. If I make a mistake in a relationship, I am no longer worthy of that relationship, and they will disappear and be taken from me, as a resulting punishment. If I get a bad grade, I will no longer be worthy of college, and I should not be a professional because the essence of who I am as a human, is an evil failure. And this is associated with experiences I've had.
There is also the perspective of something my therapist calls a "fear dream." When I tell her I'm afraid I screwed up in a conversation and pushed someone away, she asks for evidence. I tell her that the people I'm worried about have showed up time and time again, no matter how difficult it has been to be in my life. She then took it a step further than evidence. She asked, "What do you believe will happen if you did screw up and made them upset?" I said, "That they will not love me anymore, they will leave me, and I'll never be worthy of love. I'll be completely alone with no support, and truly, I cannot be loved."
She pointed out that when we have fears without current evidence and we make up end results that have not happened, it is a "fear dream." Because they are dreams, we can do nothing about them. We have no control over the outcome. And it's not the thing we claim we are worried about, it's the result we imagine happening. Imagine leaving your dog home with the neighbor to watch it for the first time, and you are nervous. The fear isn't leaving the dog alone. The fear is leaving the dog alone, and the dog starving and dying. We come up with results in our minds, and take them to extremes. We do this, instead of using our internal resources to work through how to handle what could happen. Because when we lack control, there is nothing we can do to prevent a horrifying outcome, especially when we dream it up. But what we can do is work through how we will handle what happens.
For example - let's say I did make the people I love upset. Okay then, what are actual possible results? How do I have control to move forward with that reality? So far in my life, they haven't gone anywhere. So, maybe the next time we talk, we work through what happened. Maybe they are upset, but that does not equal them leaving me.
Same with the dog. Okay, maybe the neighbor forgets to feed the dog a few times. Does this mean it will starve? Probably not. And even if it did starve for a couple of days, would it die? Probably not. Can you check on the neighbor to see how it's going with the dog? Definitely. You have resources. We fear lacking resources and control. But we always have resources, even if they are only internal, to work through our fears.
What do you associate failure with? What is the fear attached to it? What do you think will happen? And is this related to experience, or is it a "fear dream?" Each are equally valid.
To be fair, resilience is largely attached to fear. I'm going to bring the concept of "secure attachment" back into this. I was continuing to read a wonderful book about trauma called "The Body Keeps the Score," and there was a quote by a woman named Diana Fosha that read,
"The roots of resilience...are to be found in the sense of being understood by and existing in the mind and heart of a loving, attuned, and self-possessed other" (107).
I told my psychiatrist that my mood is not as dark as it had been for a long time, and I have been feeling fairly positive, because I've been taking my meds. She told me that my meds are good, but that it's not fair to me to say that is the only thing working. She said that she would argue the reality that I'm more securely attached to the supports in my life, making me, in one sense, able to take the medication, but the security I have is just as, if not more helpful than the meds themselves.
We are, by God's physiological design, creatures of community and relationship. We were designed to need human connection, and to thrive off of it. This is made clear throughout both this very academic book, as well as the Bible. Science and God are not exclusive of each other. So of course we will fail to be resilient against fears and opposing forces when we lack the resources to hold us up. It makes so much sense, and I feel much more understood now that I am coming to this realization.
Failure is a fact of life. I believe you could look at 2 very different people, one highly productive and motivated, and one mentally paralyzed and unmotivated, and, aside from the strong impacts of mental and physical illness and all of the social determinants of health - I'm talking 2 people who have very similar backgrounds with different life results, and you can find that they both have the same amount of failures. The difference will be that one of them still believes they are worthy. Because they were able to accept failing, not BEING a failure, but failing. Their sense of self allowed them to move past shame, to be able to move forward with a newborn perspective. And this person may have needed therapy for it. And if that's what it takes, that's what I suggest.
Now I believe my new fear is not moving on from my failures. And the fear dream I've created from that, is that if I don't move on, I will never be the professional I want to be and help people, and I will die in the same darkness I currently live in. Now that I know this is a fear dream, I can work through how I can prevent that. And I am already taking those steps. I will not be controlled by my failures. That's exactly what my evil illnesses want, and they are not in charge of my autonomy.
Another favorite quote I have from Madame Secretary is,
"I've never met a situation where I haven't had a choice in the matter."
