Half-Recovered
You're halfway there.
But you're not there yet.
What does half recovered look like? It looks like eating the Thanksgiving meal with your family, and then not being able to sleep well thinking about it.
It's still coming late to work because you spent a half hour in front of the mirror, looking at the same thing until you can walk away without freaking out.
It's body dysmorphia you never healed from.
The thoughts that leave last, long after the behaviors end. The continued thoughts concerned about your morality, just for eating a food that you used to be afraid of.
It's always walking around with an anxious-guilty feeling most of the day.
It's still deciding every day how many meals you will eat, rather than just assuming you'll eat when you're hungry.
It's random lapses of your seriously destructive behavior, but then returning to normal after a day or a few.
It's people not worried about you anymore so no one knows that you are actually going through anything when it is plaguing you all day.
It's not being sure if you are really done with this forever and headed towards recovery, or if you want to relapse.
It's sometimes knowing that there is a tiny trigger that will set off a major relapse at any given moment.
It's being set off by things that people don't know about. And then having anxiety and being agitated all day, and looking like a complete jerk because people have no idea what's going on.
It's always being a little bit hungry. Either physically hungry, or hungry to actually eat what you want to eat. The amount you want, the type of food you want. It might be hunger for freedom.
It's not knowing if things will ever change, if they can change for you. You never imagined getting this far anyway, so is this it? Is this arriving? Is this good enough? Do I settle here?
It's hating always living in this middle place, but scared out of your mind to give up the eating disorder forever. The prospect of not having a relapse to lean back on.
It's fear of freedom, and being in charge of yourself.
What's next? If the eating disorder doesn't dictate your actions and thoughts anymore? Can you handle yourself? When people aren't telling you what's right and what's wrong anymore?
Are you capable? Will you be completely alone?
The eating disorder has been there with you through everything. People haven't.
Being half-recovered is so many things. Confusing more than anything else. The terrifying thing about it is fearing being in this place forever. It's half miserable, and half whatever other emotions you have in the day. Sometimes it's more miserable. It's rarely less than half.
I share these things because I know in my heart that I am not alone. I don't always know, because people don't always tell me when they read these posts. But I've met enough people, been through enough treatment, to know. And they're afraid to talk about it. Why? It feels totally insane. You almost always feel half insane. You don't feel your pain is worthy of recognition, because you're taught to not trust yourself and constantly question yourself. Maybe you are crazy, and this is completely normal, and you're being dramatic. This is what we think.
What's even more insane, is that sometimes I miss being fully immersed in it all. "It all" was normal to me. I don't know what normal is anymore, and that unknown is terrifying. Now just a little taste of it drives me mad. Yet, it also gives me some insane adrenaline for more. It almost feels like home. An abusive home… but home.
What am I even talking about? I guess my eating disorder. I guess everything that came with it.
Sometimes I forget what came with it. I romanticize it, and throw away the horrific memories.
The other day I was just watching a lecture in one of my classes on eating disorders. I stopped halfway through. We were talking about levels of eating disorder treatment.
Just thinking about inpatient treatment, for some reason, sparked a voice in my head that said "go back there." It wanted me to relapse hard. It wanted me all the way back. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Feeling like I should be there, and what am I doing trying to live my life? Why aren't I trying harder to lose weight and use behaviors? Why am I not letting the eating disorder take me over? Thinking about how my real friends, the people who actually understand me, a lot of them are still there. Not all of them, but some of them. How it was so much easier to exist among them than among people here in the world. And just feeling safe. Safe with people who get me, safe from myself and my self destruction. With people forcing me to stay alive and telling me my brain is wrong. Telling me I have to do what they say, whether or not I listen. But if you don’t listen, at some point they force you. And you have to stay there until you’re medically stable to leave.
My mind was racing trying to figure out where I was supposed to be right now.
What do I forget? The beginning of recovery. And what actually came with it all.
The beginning of recovery is the most miserable thing I've ever experienced. It’s that bad every single time.
I remember reading something years ago when I was feeling the same way, and I dug through my screenshots and found it.
"Step off that scale. Go eat your dinner. Get away from the mirror. Put the diet pills down. Leave the bathroom. Get off the treadmill.
One behavior leads to the next and next thing you know, you're in a full blown relapse. Remember that relapsing means
Having to go through weight restoration (again)
Wasting precious time that you're never getting back
Being miserable and sad and angry and confused all at the same time
Having to go (back) to treatment
Causing irreversible damage to your health
Losing your friends' and family's trust
Isolating yourself and feeling alone
Having to start this whole recovery process all over again (which will include uncomfortable bloating, stomach pains, rigid meal plans, endless tears, inner battles, and a hell of a lot more therapy
And if all else fails you might actually
Die
Please keep that in mind. It's not "just one meal" or "just one purge," it's making the decision to choose between living your life or surrendering it to your eating disorder.
So step off the scale."
That's what I forget. Those are the reminders I need.
Also "safe" wasn't always what I felt. I felt like I couldn't escape. I hated inpatient treatment. I never knew if I would leave. It was like a fishbowl of doctors in and out. It was dehumanizing.
The thoughts get so intense at the beginning of recovery I don't think I can survive them and people don't understand them, which makes me desperate and I push people away. The worst part is how loud the voices get. You forget those things when you romanticize it all.
It also turns out that living half recovered can sometimes be more dangerous than being in your full blown eating disorder. Going back and forth between using behaviors randomly can be a shock to your body that thought it was safe in recovery.
These are also points to be considered for people who live with some disordered eating patterns and behaviors - you don't want it to turn into something that will take over your life even more.
Although, where it is right now is miserable for you too. So many people live halfway in recovery and halfway in behaviors. This applies to everyone. You don't have to have been admitted to treatment for this to apply. You don't have to have the same experience as I did for this to apply.
And this is the problem with people never thinking they are "sick enough." It's one of the reasons we live half-recovered. Our minds try and convince us we actually are fine and aren't doing anything wrong, even though deep down, we are miserable. We don't think we are "sick enough" to get help, to get better, to think we even need "recovery." The truth is, using any disordered eating behaviors, having a disordered mindset, that is PLENTY sick enough for help. If anything is preventing us from a fulfilling life, then we are sick enough, and worthy, of getting better. Everyone deserves an opportunity at their best life. That's not possible when we are bogged down by intrusive thoughts and/or behaviors. If you are being held back by these things, you deserve the help. You deserve the recognition of your battle. You deserve to hear that it's real, and of course it is so hard for you.
How are you supposed to get things done when half of your mind is preoccupied with your body, weight, what you are eating, etc.?
It's the absolute worst to have a problem that involves something you need to do multiple times a day in order to survive and function properly and at optimum capacity. It is pretty incredible what women can do with only half of their brains focused on what's in front of them - with the other half on putting themselves down and thinking about how they need to be deprived and trying to change themselves. Men battle these things as well. I'm just spending this time to recognize how society chooses all women in particular to attempt to make sure that their highest priority is what they eat and what they look like.
The world is set up to try and put women in that mindset. I was listening to a podcast, and a woman who served in the marines was sharing about how the men were fed differently than the women. All of the women's food was low fat, etc. She once had to eat in the men's cafeteria - and it was all carbohydrate, full fat, etc. That woman suffered fractures in both of her legs during her service. She wasn't properly nourished for what she was expected to do. The men and women were doing equal amounts of pushing their bodies to the limits and insane physical labor, and yet the women were still expected to look and eat a certain way. It is infuriating.
The idea of half recovered, half in a disordered mindset, is applicable to so many.
For me, I want to give it up, while at the same time, I want to keep it. I am always at odds with myself. I read a quote the other day that said,
"When the desire to have a healthy relationship with food exceeds the desire to control your body, the healing can begin. 50.1% to 49.9% will do."
I say, when you have that .1% difference, to grab onto it with your life. All you have to do is get help with that .1% strength you have, as soon as it comes. Because it's going to try and leave as fast as it came. And it only takes .1%, a split second, to make a phone call. Or to make a plan. You owe it to yourself. Life wasn't made for us to be preoccupied with all of this crap. We deserve better.
