One Year Anniversary

It's now been a year since I published my book, and like any writer would tell you (although I don't know that I consider myself a writer), there are a million things I would go back and write and rewrite. An author's work is never finished, and we are constantly evolving and discovering new things, and unlearning old thought patterns. My thinking becomes more and more out of the box every day. The minute my pride lets me believe that I no longer have a box, something new blows my mind. 

The last 3 years in particular have been filled with pain, and life changing experiences. Mostly extremely damaging ones. However, good ones too. 

I decided a while back that I would decide to let go of everything I used to believe, and start from scratch. That I would look at the Bible again for myself, and decide what my personal beliefs are, what makes sense, doing what God trusts me to do by putting his spirit inside of me, and forming my beliefs. Glennon Doyle, among others, has helped me with this.

Many of them were the same, and a lot of them were different. Like I said, I'm still learning. Some of the beliefs I changed were fundamental (i.e. women's place in the church, the reason for confession, etc.), and some of them were just unwanted thought patterns (i.e. sin and righteousness vs. grace and freedom). There are still many beliefs I still hold as well. One of the scary prospects is not really having answers to many concepts. The scarier thing is that many people believe they know the answer, and condemn/judge people who do not follow those guidelines. The comforting part for me, is realizing the answers are not in my hands, and believing there is a God who trusts me to learn for myself, formulate my beliefs based on my own conscience, what I learn in the Bible,  and what I learn from the wisdom of so many humans and the both beautiful, and cruel world we live in. He doesn't only trust me, but he has promised me grace and salvation. So if I do mess up, God can handle it. He has handled so many bigger problems than me having the wrong idea about tattoos, or even bigger issues, like abortion. I believe wholeheartedly that the Spirit he put inside of me, when I chose him forever when I got baptized, was because he trusted he could live inside of me and be one with the decisions I make, helping me make them, and forgiving my shortfalls. An even crazier concept - I think certain things are true and right for some people, and wrong and untrue for other people. I don't think right and wrong is black and white at all. 

Perfect love drives out fear. God is not here to fearmonger us. I was talking to someone about a new thought pattern we are trying to adopt. Rather than seeing situations when someone deeply hurts another human - rather than condemning them as a sinner (which we all are), looking at it as sickness that needs healing. What caused that hurt? How can we heal the hurt? 

My mental illness has been its worst over these past few years. I learned so much about grace from my doctors. I learned so much about unfailing love. There were times when the ugliest came out in me, and I would cause panic. In the panic that occurred, love didn't fail. We all failed at different times (me more than anyone else) in how we handled the situation. But the love didn't. We found new ways to work with each other. 

We learned how each other responds. Each person was hurting in a different way, and we just needed to learn what each of our needs were. No one was condemned. We all were hurting in one way or another. 

It is my sickness that causes people, and me, pain. They are able to recognize that. I experience life differently than others do, and they know that. 

My sickness can still hurt them, and I know that. I need to continue working on ways to manage it and trust people, and I know that.

I started seeing a new therapist. People who have had conversations with me might know that I swore to never see a new therapist again in my entire life. I would never trust a therapist again. I didn't know how to come back around and tell the people helping me that I changed my mind. They were only happy, it was growth. I'm growing. I wasn't in sin before, but I am developing as a more mature human. I may be more clever and cautious than before, but I am more self assured and secure to be able to grow as well, all making me more mature.

The new therapist talked to me about not looking at what I call "failures" as failures. Looking at them like things that happened. That they happened, and the results. Did I manage that the most appropriate way? Is there a way to improve? Were the results what we all were looking for? Even labeling things as sin, whether or not sin was present, has begun attaching too much judgment to things that happened. Too much judgment brings shame. Holding shame internalizes into our core, and then we just live in shame. 

If I've learned NOTHING, internalizing shame makes it impossible to internalize grace. Not internalizing grace makes it impossible to be free, and impossible to fully evolve as a person. Also pretty impossible to give grace.

The new therapist asked me about something good that happened last week. 

I'm going to share with you 2 things that made me cry. 

Now, I truly believe that there are ways I have shrunk instead of grown these past few years. I.e., I have bitterness, and my attitude towards humans in general is much more skeptical than it is benefit-of-the-doubt, loving and kind, than it used to be. 

Right now, I am going to share with you the tiniest centimeters I did grow.

The other day, the voices were so loud, my mind was racing, there was nothing I could do to calm myself down. I didn't think that I would be able to sleep, let alone not make an impulsive decision. I started writing down everything in my prayer journal, it didn't help. Then I just started writing down "I am safe. I am protected. I have things that are stable and not changing. Even if important things don't go okay, what matters the most is never changing. I am loved. I might not always be safe, but I am protected because of that." The strangest thing happened, I don't know if this has ever happened before, but there was silence. The voices shut off. By myself, I got the voices to shut off. For the first time. I was at peace. It felt like a miracle. Then I listened to John Denver because he keeps me at peace when I can't sleep.

A few days later I got an email from one of my providers that said I am never alone and they are there for me no matter what. The oddest thing happened. Usually, that sends a surge of relief through me and I can breathe again. This time I read it, and as much as I needed the reminder, I pretty much felt nothing. It was slightly alarming. I realized that meant I finally believed it. I had established trust. I had a secure attachment. I was no longer desperate for reassurance. It helps to consistently get it, but I wasn't dependent on it for survival. I know it sounds so simple and silly, and if you don't know my history as closely you might not understand, but this is an enormous growth and I can't be more thankful to God that he gave me the space for growth and in my mind to let it happen. 

I told my psychiatrist about how I was able to comfort myself and calm my head so greatly that the voices ceased for a little while. I was embarrassed because she's been telling me to do this all along. She was just so filled with joy for me. The only other thing she said was not to beat myself up if I don't use that skill the next time the same thing happens, because she knows that it's not easy. Fostering growth with empathy, compassion, gentleness, and grace. On my team, not doing things for me or thinking she is working against me or forcing me to do anything or putting me down, working with me and next to me. On the same side of the table. 

I wanted to make this post about a "1 year anniversary," and honestly, I made it more about my one year of growth. That's all that really matters anyway, right? Yeah, I would change some things I wrote. So I'm going to keep writing. I am going to keep sharing as I evolve. As I learn and unlearn. And I want you to be on that journey with me. I am so grateful that people are out there who care about what I have to say. Who relate to it. We can't be on this journey alone. It is mental torture to walk through life alone. And how do we grow if we don't listen to each other? I have been listening more to all different types of people, and it is the only reason I've been able to evolve. I'm never going to arrive, but I hope to keep getting closer to trusting God inside of me, and inside of those around me. 

God is there all the time. I can't stress enough, that it's not just like we have to fight for him for him to stay there. We don't have to continue apologizing to get him to love us. If we decide to not accept his love, it doesn't mean it's not as close as it ever was. We are literally just pretending it's not there, but we can't change that it is. That he is. It's not our choice whether or not God loves us!!! He chose to not control us, which is the essence of perfect love. So it's our choice to be miserable or to recognize its presence. I guess do what you want, but I'm going to keep striving to remember its truth and carry that with me. 

I don't know what anyone expected from this post. I really never know what to fully expect from my posts. I write, and let my soul lead me. I'm not going to do what my professor tells me not to do and put fake pressure on myself. 

I will say one more thing, a reason I wrote my book. When I got kicked out, or shunned away from one platform, I created my own. When people say I can't speak to men, I ignore them. The men can walk away if they want, but I'm staying right here. No one can tell you to leave your own platform, that's the beauty of it. People don't have to listen. But no one can force you to stop talking.

I need to share a couple quotes I've loved, starting with this first one from the first female Justice of Supreme Court Sandra Day O'Connor, and it was

"There's no time for anger, regret, and resentment, just do it."

This was because if she didn't do it, she would continue getting stuck in the same situations that she didn't want to be in.

Glennon Doyle also has said something along the lines of, but I don't remember the exact quote, that great things/changes always start from a woman who is angry. 

We need the anger to fuel us, to let better happen. Without anger fueling us, the status quo stays the same. Bitterness is cancerous. We need to use our anger for change. 

I'm now going to extend my love to everyone during the holidays. I know both with COVID and with mental illness, things are very challenging on various levels. Please reach out if you need a listening ear.

If you want to purchase my book, please click "buy my book” in the upper write corner, and it will take you to purchase it. I wrote it so that others like me do not need to struggle in isolation, and so that they can believe their relationship with God is alive and real no matter what the life hand they were dealt, and that it is not sin. I also wrote an important message for supports, because there were no other resources out there on helping someone who loves God while they battle an eating disorder, to feel supported. I think the chapters on supporting people are the most important part of this book to me. I am indebted to those who are continuously fighting for and with me.

I've spent more time listening outside of the bubble I never knew I lived in.  An important other quote to note is from a person whose name I don't remember, but it read,

"If you came here to help me, then you're wasting your time. If you came here because you know our fates are bound together, then let's do it." 

We all suffer when one person suffers. When one person isn't equal, no one is equal. We will all be impacted by injustice. It's not just about being on the right side of history, because you aren't just helping other people. Our fate is tied in with everyone else's. It's our obligation to ourselves, our kids, our community, our loved ones. Everyone is impacted by misunderstanding and hate.

On a side note, if you would like a signed copy of my book, rather than using this link, slide into my DM's or shoot me an email at kyra@kyraarsenault.com.