New Year's Resolutions

The last week has been a not-so-great week for me. It feels like the last 7 years have gone by, I'm doing all of the right things - taking my medicine, going to doctors appointments, talking to all the right people; and yet still day to day, I am barely managing my mental health. Every day I'm barely slipping by. Every day I wake up feeling like I know less and less than the day before, not always in a comforting way.

My mind really tortures me. I don't know why I have the mind I have, and I don't know if it will ever change.

This has been a year of asking questions and listening. And let me tell you, I have learned and unlearned so many things because of it. I am the least judgmental I have been in my entire life. Of myself, and in turn, of other people. But I have so far to go, and realize more every day how many judgments I really have.

I mainly wanted to talk about the stigma that people face when approached by new years resolutions, but I always like starting my posts by sharing something about how my week is going. It makes me feel connected to my community, and sometimes I think it can be relatable. Moving forward from that, I know this is a topic everyone has an opinion on and it's probably annoying to read another post about it, but please bear with me, because I really want to focus on the pain we internalize regarding our eating behaviors and our body weight.

What are New Year's resolutions for? I think enough people talk about how resolutions aren't always helpful for some, and they are for others. For me - I have to pretend that the new year is not a milestone, because I'm already constantly working on growth and resolutions tend to make me just blame myself for not being "better." 

My psychiatrist and I are working on taking the morality out of things that I do that bring me guilt and shame. The things that don't hurt other people. We're focusing, instead, on how it impacts my mental health. And whether or not it is physically safe. I was talking to a friend and she helped me understand that that is the greater issue at hand, than whether or not it was "right" or "wrong." 

I had done something I regretted, and I couldn't shake it. My old response would have been harboring guilt and shame and lamenting on what I had done for a select period of time, read the correct Bible scriptures in the context of condemning myself (instead of accepting God's love and grace), until it has felt although I fully repented and had godly sorrow for my mistakes. 

My friend and I decided that it was probably not only an ineffective approach, it was just not how God intended for me to live. Most real mistakes in life have natural consequences. I've never stopped doing something because I told myself I have to harbor shame for it. 

Sometimes I set myself up in negative situations so I will be able to punish myself after. I never thought of that until my psychiatrist pointed it out. How interesting is that? And how is giving myself more guilt and shame, EVER going to stop me from punishing myself more? And punishing myself is the exact opposite of God's message.

For some people, New Year's resolutions are reflective, cathartic, and exciting. I love that for them, or for you if you are someone who this helps. It's also just always fun to make lists, can't argue with that one.

One caution I am obligated to make, is against weight-centered, and food centered goals - especially if you are someone reading this who likely has dealt with some deeply rooted difficult relationships with your food and body. 

I am saying this because the only thing that will help you heal your relationship with food and your body, is doing just that. It's not making a plan that you've made before that didn't work. 

It's not about telling yourself you'll stop bingeing or eating your favorite foods or eating them less. It's not about losing weight. 

Intuitive eating, and professional help, will help you heal. Heal is the active word here.

I don't know who needs to hear this, but your problem is NOT your behavior. Your problem is NOT eating a lot of your favorite foods. Your problem is NOT purging your food. Your problem is NOT eating so much you feel sick. Your problem is NOT the types of foods you eat. 

It's all a symptom. A symptom of the oppressive culture we live in. A symptom of hurt. A symptom proving that you need to heal - whether it's from whatever is causing a behavior that does not feel true to you or is impacting your mental/physical health, or whatever is causing the stigma telling you that what you are eating or how much you are eating is "bad." 

I don't make promises I can't keep or that I don't mean. I PROMISE, that you will not truly heal, by simply making a goal to not do these things. 

Moreso, your problem is NOT your weight. And weight is NOT a symptom. Weight is a thing that exists. Weight sometimes changes when we adopt intuitive eating, and sometimes it doesn't. It usually fluctuates when we try to diet on and off, which is not healthy. Even if it lasts for a long time initially but is not a sustainable lifestyle choice.

Our bodies know how to function, whether we let them do it naturally or not. Hunger and fullness cues are based on survival mechanisms. If you are confused and are not in touch with the cues, it's probably because you haven't let your body believe that you are safe and don't need to be in some form of survival mode. 

I cannot help you with this. One of these days, I would love to write a great post about intuitive eating. Even when I get around to that, I will not heal you. I beg anyone who has made goals around food or weight, to do what has only ever proven to truly work, and learn about intuitive eating. There is a book called "Intuitive Eating," by Elise Resch and Evelyn Tribole, and Christy Harrison has an incredible podcast called "Food Psych," it is all about debunking diet culture and weight stigma, and encouraging intuitive eating. She even wrote a book (which I have but haven't yet read). 

This year, if you have a goal to change the pain that comes with weight and food behaviors, the only answer is professional help, and intuitive eating. Professionals experienced in the field of eating disorders, Health at Every Size, and intuitive eating. 

Here is Christy Harrison's website https://christyharrison.com/

And here is a website with resources with professionals in Health at Every Size. https://haescommunity.com/

A restrictive mindset always comes out in a negative opposite result. 

I believe this for sexuality in certain ways, I believe it for stuffing in your feelings, I believe this for even saying "I'm going to have less dessert" and then deciding to not have a dessert when that's exactly what you want in the moment. God never meant for us to be restrictive in natural human needs. Including suppressing the fact that you ever have sexual feelings, including holding in the deep need for human connection in suppression of emotional feelings, and including eating. You will end up with a negative opposite, and amplified result, by forced restriction. 

These negative opposite results, though, are the ones that I'm talking about that will not be fixed with shame, guilt, and lamenting. These are the ones where we evaluate our mental health and safety, and think of new approaches. 

Also diets end up with weight gain >96% of the time, as I've said before. I don't think weight gain is bad, but they don't follow through on their promises, and you end up in a miserable restrictive mindset cycle that continues on. NO TO DIETS AND INTENDED RESTRICTION.

I know so many people are going to read this and think that this worked for me and not other people, or it doesn't apply to them because "they're so bad and so much worse and super unhealthy" or something like that - but I'm telling you, this applies to absolutely everyone. 

Read Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon. She put out the greatest research on how weight is way less relevant than stigma and mental health/intuitive eating to our literal physical health, and mental health. It's true. It's so hard to internalize because of what you've been taught your whole life, but it is true. Because all the research points to it. All of the stories of people finding freedom and healing point to it. 

Another thing - love is, in essence, uncontrolling. God chose not to control us, so he could love us instead. We are free to make decisions, and we are free to love him back. If we live trying to control things we can't control, we can't be free. Freedom and healing come from letting go of deeply rooted judgments, stigmas, and beliefs. I'm not saying, in any way, to look for non-medical cures to medical problems, I'm saying the complete opposite. I'm saying stop using tactics that are proven by research to not only not work, but harm more than help, to fix medical problems, when you can find research proven solutions that do work, like the ones I mentioned before. 

It's shown that even with CVD and diabetes, moving in ways that make you happy/you enjoy (even walks, dancing, playing outside with your kids, skateboarding, etc.) (because those are the only ways you will actually exercise consistently, when it's something you don't dread doing) is going to reduce morbidity than any type of weight change ever would...and is more likely to happen because weights don't often change easily.  We all have our set points. It's even shown that by BMI scales "overweight" people live longer than those at "normal" weight by the BMI scale.

A healthy relationship with food is also more likely to fix comorbidities because the shame and restrictive mindset no longer exist as burdens. If you don't trust me, ask me for my sources. I'm not just learning this from personal research, this is what I'm being taught by my professors. This is what leaders in the field are saying. Not companies that are only out for self interest. The people who are on a search for the truth, in YOUR interest. Donald Trump told us the coronavirus was a hoax. The scientists told us NO!!! He's wrong! He was out for his own self interest. Then he got top notch medical care because he could afford it. Companies tell us to buy their weight-loss programs. The scientists tell us NO!!! This is an ineffective approach! The companies get your money. I don't think this is too much of a stretch. It's greed stealing health and happiness away. 

That's my rant for today!!! Thank you for joining me. I love everyone reading this, it is so meaningful to me that you would spend time in your day listening to what I have to say, and I don't take that for granted. Good luck with this new year, but remember, it's just the day after the day before. We are taking this life day by day.