I'm Paralyzed By Anxiety, How do I Get Anything Done?

I still take life one day at a time. Right now, looking into the future is difficult for me. Every single day carries multiple challenges. There's classes, homework, and work of course, which are a never ending cycle, but it's not that. For one thing - meals come multiple times a day. As far along as I am in my recovery, that increases my stress significantly. There are many unresolved conflicts in my life at the moment, which can be torturous. Generally if I have a conflict with someone… I will hound them until we get resolved and have forgiven each other AND until I feel confident that they have definitely forgiven me (hopefully not causing another problem?). But as I've grown, I've come to realize that some conflicts never find closure. Some wounds stay gaping open. 

Throwing running into the mix can also be stressful - sometimes it is helpful for me and boosts my mood/clears my head, sometimes it feeds into my old eating disordered mindset that I must do it "or else." This means if I have to miss a day (as I did yesterday) for exhaustion or having a hundred deadlines that I met at the very last second, my brain doesn't meet me with what one might call "understanding and kindness." 

Everyone has troubles in their lives, everyone has deadlines, everyone has business to carry out - and we know what we need to do, and what we need to do gets done. We don't neglect the highest of our values no matter the weight it holds on us.  Whether it's turning assignments in on time, showing up to work, feeding children, etc….we always accomplish what is of utmost priority, regardless of the toll it takes on us, because we have to. 

The way my brain works and with the amount I have to do, one day at a time for anything is all I can do or manage (which introduces the issue of procrastination…).

None of these individual responsibilities or stressors are unique to me. 

It isn't even really that they all accumulate and make me want to explode sometimes.

It's finding peace that's hard for me. 

This whole week I've been inundated with assignments as well as deadlines for other responsibilities, I've been eating consistently, I have deep, open conflict wounds that I am beginning to realize may always stay open, I have been extremely tired, and trying to plan out every single second of free time in order to use it to its optimal potential because it seems as though I need an extra 12 hours in the day as it is. But when I arrived at my free time most days this week, I froze. Honestly, I sat down and didn't move for an hour at a time, just staring (a great use of time for anyone who is wondering). Thinking, not thinking. Heart still beating, just paralyzed. Nothing could make me open my slides and take notes. Nothing could make me work on my paper or my presentation or study for my quizzes or complete homework and all of these things needed to be done within 24 hours.

All my head could do was race with thoughts. My head pounding against itself. It wasn't even intentional procrastination this time! Honestly!!! I would have spent that time making memes and sending prank emails to my cousins. 

What I lacked was peace.

 After I ran out of free time and got to class yesterday, I sent an email to one of my doctors about how my body has been feeling on runs lately, asking if I should take a day off or not, and she reassured me that it would be the right thing to do. That weight was lifted. Half of my brain went silent that had been buzzing, arguing, making me anxious. It brought my lips to a relieved smile… and even cleared my brain enough to be able to study in my next condensed moments of free time, that I would have spent unable to do anything else otherwise.  

When I sat still with God a little later that night,  when I started singing to Him, when I talked to my mom and let my load off on her and just listened to her say "it will all work out," peace started coming. The stiffness eased out. My chest and throat weren't so tight. My head slowed down and some of the voices telling me how anxious I should be drifted away. Nothing tangible disappeared. My circumstances remain. My troubles are still present. 

Yet, there is something powerful about sitting still with God. When your mind is rushing and can't figure out what to do on its own, sometimes if you sit still, you find answers. Sometimes you sit still, and you find peace...and peace is the answer. In only a few minutes time, the difference it makes is impactful.

Glennon Doyle would say "Sometimes you ask God for answers and He just tells you He loves you. You ask Him for a plan, and He just tells you the next best thing to do." 

But "just" is an undermining word. Because the power of peace is so grand that it can transform me from being tortured to being free. Then I have the power to move forward. Peace is empowering.

God knows that is all I need in that moment. An "I love you," and "This is what you need to do right now. You already know."

God gives us EXACTLY what we need in every moment to get through life, and the fact that He knows that that is what we need, is comforting, sets me at peace, and carries me through knowing I am safe no matter what happens next. Not because He will fix it, because I am loved, I have peace, and I have grace.

I did nothing grand to change my state of mind, all I did was the next best thing. I emailed my support. I used my time that I was sitting paralyzed to attempt to be still with God. I sang. I called my mom. I found a scripture to put in my head. I even started saying to myself, "you are okay" instead of "this is impossible" out loud to myself. And what I also heard in the words of my doctor, my mom, and God, reading between the lines was "I love you. I care about you. You are going to be okay." 

Right now, I don't have very much energy. I'm preoccupied with fear that everything will remain unresolved and incomplete and of course the remaining racing thoughts in my head just from the eating disorder continue to buzz. But I am working on remembering that the essentials get done, and I'm more likely to feel confident if I spend my bits and pieces of free time either being still, or chipping away at assignments. The next time I feel paralyzed, I know what I can do for peace.

Peace is a reminder to me that God exists. 

"...in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

Transcends understanding means a higher power out there does understand. When I was in the depths of my struggles and I felt peace, believing that Someone out there knows more than I do, that there is hope for something greater, I knew it was God. There are some situations where it would be impossible to find peace if it weren't for God. Peace is freedom from everything that the world holds against you. God holds nothing against us - all He asks to hold is our troubles so that we can be free from their burden and take His (which is no burden at all). Easier said than done - but hey, it's worth a shot. 

This is simple, but so is God's message. His message is love and freedom. 

I'm remembering with every day that recovery and everything good in life comes with the accumulation of small steps over time. 

For peace in moments when your thoughts are racing - I encourage you to sit still and think "How can I hear 'I love you' from someone or God right now," "And what is the next best thing I can do in this moment to help me get through today." 

I chose this picture because when I took it, it reminded me that even in God's creation He says "I love you."