Permission to Eat?

“Am I allowed to eat this?”

This is where life has brought me. I find myself often asking my dietitian if I'm allowed to eat something. If it is OKAY to eat when I'm hungry, even if I had recently eaten. Even if it is not a "regular" meal time. 

I feel as though I need permission from somewhere outside of me - not from my natural hormones that are released to tell me when I'm hungry or physiologically breaking down and my cells need energy to enable my body to continue functioning, not the fact that food is for survival, not that it is right before an exam, or I'm studying or working and my brain needs fuel, not because I need energy for the day, or recovery from a long day or workout, or just for my body to survive and help my heart keep beating as I lie down. 

Nope. 

Not good enough for me. 

I need to know if I have permission from another person to eat, so that I feel morally acceptable. 

But you don't need to have an eating disorder to struggle with this one. Our culture tells us to QUESTION our hunger. To QUESTION the mechanism inside of us that is programmed to tell us what OUR bodies need at that moment in time, and that by ignoring those hormones that are stimulated to ensure our optimal function, we are being strong. We are doing the right thing so we can prove we have "self control." 

To who? Our dogs? Who will know except our racing thoughts, anxious minds, and our poor body that is crying out for sustenance? Or our family members who get the hangry version of us?

What a terrifying need to question all the time. Of course it is difficult to trust ourselves, when we are taught and shaped to mistrust the most natural of our intuitions!

The thoughts come and go throughout the day. For me, as I am still in recovery, I have yet to  find a moment free of the thoughts. 

"Am I really hungry?" "Should I really eat right now?" "I'm starving, but I'm not allowed to yet." "I'm not allowed to have this." "I am really craving this, but these are 'bad' foods. This is not the occasion for that." "They can have that, but I can't."

And then it's on your mind, ALL the time. I know I'm not the only one. This is diet culture, and we all live in it! 

These voices cause us to deprive ourselves in response to the thoughts that flood us with mistrust and guilt, and we get hungrier later in the day the longer we wait to eat or tell ourselves we can't eat what we are craving...and it becomes more daunting. 

We put ourselves in a cycle that will always feel crummy. How do we get out of it?

I've heard this a million times over, and have finally proven to myself by practicing what I preach, that we can get to a place where we stop thinking about food AS much, and specifically the foods we deem as "off limits" to ourselves. 

It is a big step in the process of intuitive eating called "Unconditional Permission to Eat." 

If we give ourselves unconditional permission to eat when we are hungry, and eat the food that we are hungry for, and believe that the permission is inherent to us, that nobody can take it away - knowing that it is safe, that we are allowed, that we always can do this without punishment or having to make up for it - then we feel safe and begin warming up to a normal relationship with food. 

Last weekend at work I looked at the food that was mocking me as it said "You will never be able to have me, in fact, thinking about me is despicable. You are despicable." 

I listened to it and got all tight and tense and anxious on the inside, a feeling that comes so naturally to me that I've never even questioned it. Then I did an experiment. Something inside me took a step back. I said, "I am allowed to eat you now, and then again when I'm hungry and you are what I want to eat. And tomorrow, I am going to be hungry again, and you are still an option. You will still be there, and I will still be allowed to have you. Allowed to eat, and expected to eat. Like any other person. Like my other coworkers, like my classmates and my family." 

I told my dietitian how this started happening and I've been amazed at the result of 1 week of  trying to remind myself that I have "unconditional permission to eat." At first it scared me, because when I see food, I get afraid and think a time is coming soon that I will be in a great deficit again. So I feared I would overdo it and then feel worse. And the first couple days, I ate more than usual. My body was amazed that I let it. But my body also began trusting me, because I kept questioning that voice that told me I couldn't, and then began believing that I would always be allowed, because of how God designed my body to need food. My metabolism works more normally than it has in a long time, because it knows how to regulate days of different amounts of intake. Because God made our bodies to know how to regulate themselves, as we trust our hunger cues, and even allow ourselves foods we just desire. Deprivation only leads to bigger desire and fear. 

I told my dietitian how work has been difficult with food because most of my shifts are starting at 12, which is "lunchtime," and my class ends around 11. I never know when to eat lunch, but I get up wicked early and am usually starving by 11, and "I don't like having too many snacks." 

At 11:50, before work, I would tell myself I'm "not allowed" to eat lunch until 12 at the earliest and I would feel so hungry and count down the minutes until I finally stepped back and thought, "Who in the world is telling this? Literally nobody is telling me this. I am hungry NOW. And if I am hungry again in an hour, I can have a snack again in an hour. Nobody is watching me. There is no penalty. This is okay. My body is telling me to do it, and my metabolism regulates itself. This need is not even coming from a decision I'm making, it's natural."

My dietitian said "some days we wake up starving and we have no idea why. Kyra you're freaking out because you had 3 snacks yesterday but that sounded great. You might have 5 another day. You don't know when you'll be hungry, but your body will tell you. And that's normal and okay." 

This is where we need to realize that anyone outside of you telling you not to eat when you're hungry and that makes you self controlled, is completely ignorant and lacks any science to back them up. It actually causes you to feel more out of control when you naturally feel the need to overcompensate after you deprived your poor body for so long. Or you deny yourself your favorite food and then are afraid you'll never see it again. 

If you feel like you binge at times that make you feel out of control - I would look back and see how you were depriving yourself before. 

If you restrict sugar or certain types of food and are constantly anxious all the time - even if it hasn't led to anything else, is that worth it to you?  Denial is a disordered eating behavior, and restriction of any food group does not make someone healthier than another. That person can end up in a much worse place than those who allow themselves the options that exist, with no "off limits" labels. We physiologically need every food group, and every food fits into our lifestyle.

Restriction and denying ourselves, always leads to a more anxious and fearful place. And never to the result we were hoping for.  

Unconditional permission to eat leads us to freedom in our lives, and in our brains. I'm working on it every day.

To tie it into Valentine’s Day, it’s just like unconditional love. When it’s unconditional you feel so safe that you never question it.  You trust it, you don’t feel like you need to overcompensate, you’re not afraid that it’s going to go away. It’s always there. And you don’t act out of fear or obsession, or live constantly thinking and perseverating over them and in anxiety. Unconditional is freedom and safety, it prevents the lack of control we feel when we have fear.

This is difficult to get into in a short blog post so this is simplified and people may have questions about the concept. I can give resources or have a further conversation if anyone is interested in the facts behind it. I hope you can join me in questioning the voices that tell you you shouldn’t eat when you’re hungry, or you shouldn’t have any type of food and that deprivation makes you self controlled.

Remind yourself, with me, that you have unconditional permission to eat, and no one can take that from you.