The Lion Never Sleeps

Here's just a short, non profound, simple update about what's going on with my life right now and how I'm handling it. 

To be honest, I feel like Satan has been calling after me. Have you ever felt that way? It's not always major life events, because he likes sneaking in and taking us down moment by moment beyond our awareness. 

Last week I was feeling very weak, I was on my period for the first time in months - and out of the blue received a message from someone, beyond what I felt I could handle in that moment. My response was exactly what Satan wanted from me.

I overcame that fairly quickly, but my response tore down how I believed I'd grown as a person.

A few days ago, I got a really bad grade on an organic chemistry exam. If I don't do well in this class, I may not be able to graduate college on time, and rather than deciding that I know how to move forward and still be successful in this class, I tore myself and my belief that I had a future down.

A few days after that, now in a mental space where I believe I haven't grown and "what's even the point of trying," something happened to my foot. As you've heard me say before, when I get injured, it tends to throw me into a relapse with my eating disorder - or I find a way to overcompensate for not being able to run anymore. This time, I told myself that I could do it. I did not freak out about the injury, I was mature, and prepared to bike instead of run. I couldn't wait to prove to God, myself, and my doctors how much I've grown as a person. 

When I received news on my MRI scan - I was informed that biking would not be an option. It's actually a stress fracture in a bone that running or biking will not be possible in order for it to heal. 

I'm not exactly in a place where I want to look at challenges as an "opportunity for growth." To be frank, I'm pretty done with "opportunities to grow." I suppose that they aren't done with me. 

My mom's told me that there's always going to be something hard going on. It frustrates me to the bone that lately it's been things that are rattling aspects of my life that could send me backwards into a place I don't want to visit again. In very subtle ways too, that I almost didn't pick up on. 

When I objectively sit and think about what's going on, I can see what's happening. 

The Bible warns us of it. 

"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 

1 Peter 5:8

The lion never sleeps. I know he doesn't. The first thoughts that popped up in my mind after each of these things happened were all old - habit thoughts. Feeling hopeless, like I can't get out of these situations, upset, angry, and the only options I could think of were getting angry at other people and giving up on all of my progress in school and with my eating disorder.

At first, I did exactly that. I didn't really study the next day for orgo. I got angry at the person who gave me the news about my foot, while that person was only trying to support me through it and has only ever supported me in life. Then I felt horrible about it. And I told my eating disorder that I would do what it said because what's the point now anyway? 

This is exactly what Satan wanted to happen. He has been waiting to pounce on me ever since I started changing for the good. He has pounced many times along the way, but this time he chose very precise moments. In vulnerable moments, knowing that I would be at high risk of giving in, and that I would not be as alert in noticing what he was trying to do.

I am at high risk of giving in. I also know I have choice, I know I've grown, I know I can handle this and I know how to handle this. I don't know if you've experienced these thoughts before, but I just really don't want to take the high road right now. Who likes taking the high road? What is it about making bad decisions that is so tempting? And what is it about making bad decisions that somehow once you get further down the road, all you want to do is to find a way out of it yet somehow it's so difficult to get out? 

I suppose that's why God is wise beyond my understanding. That's why I blindly have to trust him to do the right thing right at the start. If I know inside of me what I have to do, ignoring that will likely not lead me down the best path with the results I ultimately hope for.

I know all of this, and I trust all of this. It's always just so tempting to take the low road. It's the little decisions that build up that Satan tries to take us down with. They come with real consequences, and also the consequence of shame and guilt, making it even more difficult to pull ourselves out. I know exactly the road these choices take me down, and taking a minute to stop and think through where they've taken me before is an important reminder of how horrible it is to get out.

Right now, I have to choose to listen to God's voice, because I can hear it loud and clear. I know what I need to do. I have blatant doctor's orders when it comes to my foot. And with the other two situations I mentioned - I've been down both roads before and know the results of taking the low road. Getting back into old habits makes it so much more difficult to get out of them once I realize how destructive they are… but by the time I realize that I'll already have hurt myself and many people. 

Using our "knowing" is a lot more fun when it doesn't involve personal growth. 

Unfortunately (but fortunately), that's why we have the "knowing." The lion isn't sleeping, he's more alert than ever, and is waiting for me to doze off so he can take advantage. With this information, knowing that he's out to get me, to take me and the people I love down with me, I can't turn away. I know what's happening, and I can't ignore it. As soon as I notice what's happening, I have to stop before it gets uglier and out of my control. "I can stop whenever I want" is a line straight from the devil. If those words cross your mind, you know exactly who they're coming from, and that's a red flag that you need to go tell someone you've been struggling. I don't know if you've been there, but if you have, I'm here to tell you I hear you, I see you, I feel deeply for you. I know how easy it is to choose old habits. I'm also here to say, if you know where it takes you, the only right option is running in the complete opposite direction as soon as you sense danger, and listening to the people who will always look out for your best interest. This is likely one reason the scripture says to be "sober minded," to not assume that "I've got this," this time, "I don't need to tell anyone I'm struggling I can handle this on my own." God works through other people. It's okay to rely on what others say when you can't quite convince yourself on your own. 

We can't do this life alone. Thank God we don't have to.