Why I'm Not a Rebel

I have a heavy heart about many things that are going on right now in different aspects of life. I don't know how to speak about some of these things. So what I am going to do is share about my response to my past experiences, and build towards something better. 

My life has been filled with a plethora of "rebellions." 

I remember the original reason I wanted to study the Bible, to learn about who God was, was because it was my relationship with God, not my parents - so it would have nothing to do with them and they could have nothing to do with it. I had to justify every action with an angsty teenage reason when I was 13. 

I've always rebelled against walking signals and crosswalks, and just crossed the road when and where it's convenient (sorry law). 

I used to rebel at school that we didn't have a napping period and started a petition. 

I never followed eating disorder treatment "rules." If they told me not to pick my sandwich apart, I would shred it to pieces. I'd still eat it, I would just shred it, because it bothered the sanity out of them. 

I was asked to eat my snack out of a bowl instead of a cup, and I refused, so I took my cup with my animal crackers and peanut butter to my chair, and the mental health counselor fumed with frustration, placed the bowl in front of me and told me if I wasn't going to eat out of it I had to stare at the empty bowl for the duration of the snack period. So I did. (I was 19). 

I used to go to my friends' classes in high school sometimes instead of my own. I never got in trouble for it - I never lied about where I was or why I was there. I think they stop caring once you get to your senior year. 

I'd call all of that, "rebelling without a cause." 

But not having a cause isn't the person I am. When I was younger, and yes - I recognize that I am only 22, but truly, when I was younger - rebelling was thrilling. It was harmless, fun, and exciting. It was all just silly.

As you get older, you begin to realize why rebellion is a thing. 

Rebelling is actually the hardest thing, because you are responding to a system that doesn't believe or value you. That can have a million people just like you come before a few powerful people, and be told that their experience was wrong, not real. Suddenly you find yourself, from one moment vulnerably mustering up your courage and strength to bring light to a dark reality, to being berated for your lack of truthfulness and your poor character. You leave scratching your head with shame. "They're right, I am all of those things. Why would I have done that?"

Shame, guilt, confusion, mortified frustration. 

This is a consequence of merely existing for people who are oppressed for any reason and choose to speak up. 

Every decision I make is precise and has a reason attached to core values, core beliefs, and the core of who I am. 

Sure, I have the stubborn heart of a fighter who will never give up unless she has a proven reason that the alternative is optimal for my and everyone around me's success - 

But come on man, that spirit has kept me alive...literally. 

Not every time I react to something is to rebel against a system. I've never looked to tear anyone down. I'm here to respond. And what I've learned from Glennon Doyle is that maybe that is not the most precise thing to do anymore. Responding often falls on deaf ears. There comes a point where you try for so long and so persistently, and get continuously shot down as a prideful rebel, that it comes time to let go of fighting for that old system to accept you for who you are and change… and to let go and create.

Why respond when you can create? The system tells you they don't like you, instead of saying "you're wrong," you can say, "I'll build my life with my people somewhere else, not from your foundation."  We have that power. 

POWER. What a buzzword. 

You know what else Glennon taught me? Power is infinite. There is no scarcity to power. Just because one person has power, doesn't limit someone else's ability to have power. It isn't a pie chart, it's just a million begillian pies for everyone, however many people want to take.  

All power is, is a voice. The realm of power is infinite. Who can limit what is inherent to us? 

The trick of systems that live off of submission, is, often unintentionally, fear mongering people out of believing that their unique thoughts are valued, claiming it as rebellion.  

We can all picture scenarios this is relevant to in all different aspects of life. 

I've wasted so much time, so much of my heart, lost so much of my life… from caring that people I don't need to approve of me don't believe in me, don't want me, don't trust me, don't like me, think I am things that I spend my life trying to be the opposite of. If people don't trust my intentions - why is that my problem? I know my intentions, God trusts my intentions, who cares what irrelevant random people think of my intentions?

At what point in my life did anyone's opinion start to matter, more than God's opinion of me? More than what I thought of myself when I was a little girl? When did that switch happen that I had to look outside of myself to believe I was worthy or acceptable? 

I've gotten caught up in so many arguments in my life, desperately trying to get my true intentions and heart across. Trying to explain that I am not trying to be argumentative, I'm trying to be heard. To put a new perspective on the table. A response I often got back from that was, "Do you have to argue with everything I say?" 

At the time, I was ashamed for always fighting. For always being upset. Wondering what was wrong with me compared to everyone else.

Now I wonder, why was I the one who was arguing? Why was I the stubborn one?  The other person is also disagreeing with me. So why am I the one who is wrong? In fact, if I'm looking to change something that has always been the same and could be hurting others, if I've been hurt by something that is a normal way things are carried out… then maybe… just maybe… if this is always how it happens… is there maybe just a lack of openness and stubbornness within that system? Could this be affecting other people too?

Why am I a rebel if I'm just trying to communicate something important? A good-hearted person is never out to get or hurt anyone. The power is infinite. We can all be heard, and work together for a better, more beautiful future for all of us. When it looks out for what's best for one person, it is looking out for what's best for every person. Because it is looking out for its people. 

Everyone is an exception to a "system," because everyone is unique, with unique needs and gifts and hearts. An inflexible system can only cater to a few needs.

I decided a while ago that I am done rebelling against old outdated systems - like Glennon Doyle speaks about.

I'm creating now, I'm no longer responding.

I've decided to finally make a life for myself. One that is rich, no matter how scarce it is in relationships. It's a true and beautiful life to me, and it's all I can do. It's all I can trust, and the only way I feel like my life matters. 

I'm taking responsibility by acknowledging my circumstances, and choosing how to respond. Because "life is hard," and "this happened to me," is no longer an acceptable reason to not build the life that I keep complaining I don't have. To continue sabotaging myself with unhelpful thought patterns and behaviors. To complain about a system. There are systems everywhere! A system will never be perfect. Neither will people. 

So I'm not going to blame things on my illness anymore.

I'm not going to blame things on what's happened to me anymore.

I have a whole chapter in my book titled "Sin or helpless illness?" 

I talk about how not once does Jesus tell people "I'm sorry you're going through this, it's okay to mope around and take it out on your family and friends, and sabotage yourself. Your situation is hard." He has compassion, he has empathy, and he teaches us how we can still love and be loved within impossible life circumstances.

This is the God I serve. He sees me, he hears me, he feels me, he believes me, he trusts me, and he calls me to the most truthful, beautiful life he can imagine for me.  

I was thinking about one of my favorite passages in the Bible the other day. 

When Jesus is hanging on the cross, after enduring the most inhumane and brutal torture, humiliation, and betrayal, by the people he was dying for. 

He was hanging on the cross next to two other criminals, who were also on crosses. Jesus was innocent, had no real charges against him. The men next to him were criminals, having, by law,  earned the sentence they were receiving. 

"One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: 'Aren't you the Messiah? Save yourself and us!' 

But the other criminal rebuked him. 'Don't you fear God,' he said, 'since you are under the same sentence? We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong.' 

Then he said, 'Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.' 

Jesus answered him, 'Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise."

Luke 23:39-43

I was thinking about this and how gracious Jesus is. How he came only to love and to save us; to his final breath in his most intense pain. That's what we are all here for, to be loved by God, to love God, and to show others God's love.

This story humbles me, and fills me with the deepest gratitude. This is grace. This is who I am creating for. This is the person I matter to. This is the person that I matter to. 

Who am I to sit here and blame, and wish for something better? My God has decided, regardless of my past and what others think of me, he decided that even though I have hurt so many people, made so many mistakes, that because I have chosen to accept the gift of his grace, I get to be in paradise with him. This is what I am living for, and running towards. 

Something new. A new creation. Out with the old, in with the new. The new life I was meant to build out of the foundation of God's love and truth. 

We are constantly building and rebuilding. Because as soon as we know better, we need to do better. For each other, for ourselves, for God. We have the rest of our lives to create. Even though it means losing old comfortable systems of belief, it means building what is more beautiful and true, for a better world for us, our kids, our families, all of our loved ones. 

God himself knew that his original system of accountability for sins was not working, and he called it useless. The law was meant to save people from their sins. Since we can't follow a law perfectly and it wasn't working, God came up with a more beautiful system that could save us all, because he cares about us all. The Good News message. His creation came from the destruction of an outdated system. If God decided that was necessary, it's good for us to take a second look at what we believe sometimes too. 

Instead of rebelling, let's create.