The Quarantine Life

I'm sure no one is wondering what I am thinking during these trying times. So I am going to share it! 

To be completely honest, I don't feel inspired to write anything at all. I feel very drained. 

A woman who mentored me once said that you won't wake up every morning inspired to write. Do it anyway. 

And I feel like now, more than ever, we need to relate to each other. 

The circumstances we are living under right now, as a nation, are hard for everyone. 

For someone with an eating disorder, this Pandemic is a recipe for relapse. 

For me, the ingredients are unstructured time, limited access to previous medical support I was accustomed to having at least twice a week, anxiety and stress about uncertainty with money and work, being at home more often, not being around humans, no longer training for a race (in my brain if I'm not racing I have the freedom to exercise more and eat less), concern about different food availability than usual and figuring out how to eat different foods that are uncomfortable, anger and shame for being self consumed, more time in my head to listen to the voices shouting insults and reminding me how I feel about who I am, going over traumatizing moments, worry about loved ones, not wanting to think about what this Pandemic might mean for the world so wanting to distract myself with numbing mechanisms like restriction and overexercise and filling my head with the voices that can overtake and control me, and just FEAR. All I have to do is say the WORD, and my eating disorder will take over my whole being. It's so easy. To be brutally honest, I'm currently walking a very thin line, and doing my best to only look ahead at my next steps.  

All of these triggers taunting me are legitimate. That sentence is really important right now. Every fear haunting you, every emotion overcoming you, is legitimate. 

Here are some more things I want to validate that are normal to have affecting you:  thinking about your loved ones who are losing work and health insurance, worrying about older and immunocompromised loved ones, feeling frustrated at you don't even know what to be frustrated at exactly. Scared. Nervous. Overwhelmed. Worried that you're underwhelmed. Afraid you are going to infect someone. Wondering when this will be over and trying to picture months of your life like this. Feeling guilty for being bored. Just being bored. Crying. Not really being affected physically or fiscally but still being overwhelmed, scared, and sad. Restlessness. Not wanting to be productive. Knowing there are people worse off and feeling all of these things. Wanting to completely hide and isolate. Wanting to go out and wondering what the big deal is anyway. Being angry that everything you were looking forward to was canceled. Things you have worked your butt off for, suddenly taken away, either certainly or with uncertainty if it will happen in the future. Hating everything. 

Your losses are real even if you are still safe and secure in a home. Losing the ability to be with your friends is a loss, even though losing a job is a loss too. Losses need acceptance, validation, and grieving.   

You don't have to struggle with mental illness to be overcome by depression or anxiety during this time. You can be just sort of stressed and anxious, and that is worthy of attention.

You don't have to have an eating disorder or mental illness for any of this to be valid. Labels are being thrown in the trash right now. We are all. Struggling. Now. And. In. A. Pan.Demic. 

If you do have a mental illness like an eating disorder or one that could trigger a coping behavior that is harmful to your physical or mental health, let me tell you right here and right now, that as real and valid as every urge and temptation is, this is NOT an excuse to relapse. And I implore you not to enable yourself. 

To get through this, we need to accept the reality and figure out how to put one foot in front of the other. 

Isolating physically but not socially. Total isolation is an ingredient in the relapse recipe. You don't have to be near people to stay connected. Do not remove yourself from life, this is the worst time to remove yourself from life. No matter what your mind is telling you, you need human connection.

What I'm finding helpful on social media are the people who are saying they

don't know what to do. But they are also saying what is normal to feel. They are telling everyone that their needs are important, real, normal, and as valid as anyone else's.

My people right now are a few friends I work with. None of us have the answers. This is a heartbreaking time. But every time someone has a problem, we shower them with understanding how hard it is. Kindness, community. Hope. 

Connection is hope. Life isn't just all of the problems we have. It is not the sum of every high and low, to answer Lauren Daigle's question. I live for something better. And living for something better doesn't mean you have to be happy all the time on earth. 

Sometimes there's just not a great bright side, and you'll never find one at all if you just keep telling yourself you're a bad person for not being grateful or for being angry and upset. It's just not true. Life sucks sometimes. And then when it gets better, there's always something new that sucks. It's always going to be some good and some bad and sometimes one is stronger than the other and maybe right now, for you, the bad is intense. And at some point that will pass and change, and the good will be stronger - but there's a whole lot of loss going on right now for a lot of people. Loss of jobs, a safe place, connection, normalcy, structure, being around loved ones, fun, graduation, sports season, trips, having an idea of what comes next, etc. We're all in the middle of a bunch of losses. When I'm there it's hard to see how it could ever be better. 

But you don't have to worry about that. Walk through what you are dealing with now, share your emotions (with your people who are safe and understanding), and know you don't have to be alone through it all. The bright side will come when it comes. 

I have seen every side of depression, and I have never gotten out of it by hating myself for feeling emotions that have negative connotations, or shaming myself for being upset over what I feel are "trivial" matters.

Jesus, in the Bible, cried with his loved ones, even knowing something better was coming. He cried amidst the loss of a friend, who he was about to raise from the dead. Out of empathy probably, and also sadness (John 11:35). 

Jesus cried out in his own pain. He, Jesus (Son of God), also did not want to go through difficult times if it could be avoided (Luke 22:42). He cried out just in anticipation, before he had to deal with his friends betraying him, prolonged, brutal physical torture, vulgar and heinous humiliation, being nailed to a cross, and worst of all, being unrecognized by God because he was carrying the world's sin on his shoulders, because God cannot be associated with sin. The man was so stressed that his sweat was blood (Luke 22:44).

He cried out in desperation and agony (Matthew 27:46). He was alone, without his only support, his Father, in the very moments he needed him the most. Talk about being lonely and anguished. 

What's beautiful is that he did that  just so he could be with me in my desperate moments, and in every moment. 

To continue with my original thought though, 

No one told Jesus to smile while he was being nailed on a cross. 

Some people mocked him and told him to take himself off of the cross if he was really the Son of God and he didn't do it - because he loved us (Matthew 27:40). 

My point in all of this - DON'T USE THIS AS AN EXCUSE TO RELAPSE. AND DON'T SHAME YOURSELF FOR THE EMOTIONS. SHAME CAN  LEAD TO RELAPSE. 

Not just relapse, for someone who doesn't have an eating disorder - it can just lead us into habits that we don't want to partake in.  Or harmful thought cycles about ourselves. If you don't care about yourself, this in turn can also affect the way we treat others. 

Anyone who has read my writing knows that this life is just difficult for me to live. Not out of ingratitude, I just have my whole mind set against me. 

Jesus let himself cry and sweat and dread. But he did not take himself off of the cross or stop moving forward.

Jesus did not feel shame. He had no reason to. He never sinned. What does that mean? Having emotions is not sinful. Wanting a different reality is not sinful. Being sad is not sinful. Having anger for true injustice is not sinful. 

Shame causes us to carry our emotions with us and internalize them more deeply and worse. We can find freedom by expressing them and being validated. Grace for when we mess up and just need forgiveness, and validation for our emotions (which are not sinful, they are natural and by design) give us the freedom to move forward. You know that relieving feeling you get when you're overcome with guilt and someone says "I totally get it." That's why the Good News message from Jesus is freedom and grace. Jesus came down as a human to earth so he could say to us, "I totally get it." What a beautiful, loving God. If that's not the greatest form of love I don't know what is. 

As I step down from my soap box, here are my tips during this trying time for everyone:

If you don't know what to do, that's okay. None of us do.

If your friend is struggling, emotional, in trouble, it's okay that you don't know what to do. Be there with them. All you have to do is be there with them. You can't fix them, so take the pressure off and you do not need to be overwhelmed - that can lead us to being afraid so we can't be in connection with each other. All you can do is be present and with. 

For my struggling eaters out there: structure your eating schedule, also without being rigid about it as best as you can. I know how difficult improvising with food is. Right now we are in times where we have to improvise. We are dealing with lack of structure. And it is important to know that it is OKAY to have types and combinations of food that you are not used to. 

Frozen meals and food have nutrients. Frozen vegetables are just as good for you as fresh vegetables. Fruits and vegetables may not be as available to you at this time. That is okay. Focus on eating enough food. Everyone. Not just some people - this applies to everyone.

Canned food also has nutrients. 

Ice Cream has nutrients. Rich in calcium. Ice Cream is my favorite. I've had it twice already this week. 

Listen - right now what we need is to get through this. Eating when we are stressed is normal. Eating more, and eating foods that bring us comfort, that is okay. That is normal. You are not allowed to label foods, or label yourself for what you eat. It is so normal.

Let me say that one more time:

YOU ARE ALLOWED TO EAT DIFFERENTLY. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO EAT MORE. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO EAT YUMMY FOODS. THIS DOES NOT IMPACT YOUR MORAL CHARACTER. THIS DOES NOT HURT YOUR HEALTH. LISTEN TO YOUR DESIRES AND HONOR THEM. NOW IS THE TIME FOR THAT.

Reach out to me if you need to talk through that. Remember that deprivation only leads to undesired behavior cycles, obsessiveness, shame, and thought cycles. 

In addition to different foods, it is okay to eat at different times. What is NOT okay is using a different timing and schedule to skip meals and snacks. Still make sure you find a way, after you wake up, to eat every 3-4 hours. 3 meals, 2-3 snacks. It is okay if you have more snacks than that too. This is a minimum guys, not a maximum. Honor your hunger, and honor just wanting something else to eat. To reiterate: Deprivation only leads to undesired feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that can become cyclical and difficult to stop. "Just doing it once" is a gateway drug. This is the second time I said that in 2 paragraphs so it is really important. No deprivation.

It's also normal to feel like using your old coping behaviors so you don't have to focus on the bigger, scarier things. Whether it's what the pandemic means, or if it's those problems you have been trying to avoid, those thoughts that haunt you, your past, a situation you're in, unresolved conflict - that you usually use behaviors to avoid or just distract yourself with a busy life. That is my temptation right now. It is so tempting I can't even explain it. That's why you need to set yourself up in the best way possible. 

I don't know what works for you. For me, I am pretending nothing has changed. I am going to my online classes, even the pre-recorded ones, at my normal class times.

I am emailing my healthcare providers who cannot see me right now. The ones who can, we have set up tele-health appointments. Although not as frequent as before, we are doing the best we can, and I'm emailing them on the off weeks or when I need support or have questions. Do not give up the support you have. And if they have told you you can use them to ask questions and to reach out for support, they mean it. Don't feel guilty. Use your support. You need it now more than ever.

I am staying connected to humans as much as possible. This is so important. STAY. CONNECTED. TO. HUMANS.

I am trying to sort of schedule in time to read, when to do my work for each different class, when I will cook, eat etc. Having loose ideas (so as to not be too rigid but also have structure). Add in your own hobbies. If it's movies, writing, model trains, games with family members or roommates, filling out scholarships, riding your bike, schedule it in. 

I'm yelling at myself as much as anyone else for this one: NO USING FREE TIME TO OVER EXERCISE. If you are medically stable and cleared to, and your treatment team feels you are ready and it is appropriate, do what you are allowed to only if you want, and plan it as part of your day. Find other hobbies or things to do in between. Do not revolve your day around exercise and do not over exercise. You are not bad if you choose not to. I am proud of you if you choose not to when you don't want to and it feels compulsive. This is for everyone, not just people who struggle with over-exercising. 

During this time "laziness" is not a label either. We are being called to do the honorable task of staying home and safe. You are protecting the nation by whatever you do, as long as you're doing that. 

I am also going to encourage people to limit their time watching the news and reading articles. It's good to stay informed, but you also are already doing what you need to do to protect others. Protect your mental health, and don't overwhelm yourself. 

There is so much to say on this. I will continue with my blog posts, if this was helpful, feel free to let me know what was helpful. We are all in this together, and it will pass. This is not forever. Everything passes. Let yourself feel, and find freedom. 

We are isolated and together.

Much love. Your fellow quarantined friend.