The Crucial Moment

"Just being a human being, I've realized that before every big problem you can create for yourself, before every huge mess you have to clean up, there was some crucial moment when you could've just said no." -Taylor Swift

Boy, does this resonate with me.

For starters, the most essential component I've discovered in being able to take responsibility for my mistakes, is self compassion. There is no black and white "horrible" or "incredible" person. We all do "some good, some bad." "Some some," is what my therapist calls it. And my mom always tells me, "You make so many right decisions Kyra, every day. We need to figure out what's going on during those off moments, when you aren't in that head space, and you make the less than best decision." 

Lately, I've had a difficult time not justifying and defending every single interaction where I respond in a less than kind tone, or with a less than kind comment. When I react to something someone says, there is a reason behind it and I had every right to. And of course, both of those statements are true. So, why am I beating myself up every single time? What feels so crummy about it? Why does it crush me, and make me feel like I'm not the person I want to be? Like I haven't changed or grown? 

I think Taylor Swift said it just right. Something resulted. Hurt feelings, a broken relationship, a wound to a relationship, a loss, hurt integrity, or the like. 

Something resulted, something that holds value to me, that could have been prevented, if I took that crucial moment to stop myself and say "no."

Which is so much easier said than done. It's funny, because I actually went a long period of time without falling into my habit of not making generous assumptions and just reacting immediately to words that elicit a strong response from the voices in my head, accusing the other person of validating the most negative beliefs I have about myself. Of course, they do it unintentionally. I'm not hearing the core of what they are saying, and I don't ask. All I do is react. Sometimes, I hurt them back with my words. Then I begin to feel desperate, afraid that I injured the relationship, angry that I compromised my integrity, and devastated that I hurt their feelings - especially the feelings of someone who loves me. 

Generous assumptions are an important element of trust, so I know exactly what went on in the moment this happened recently. Satan crawled in and tried to break my trust between the person speaking to me and myself, because I've been growing. And because me and that person were working together and accomplishing good things. He knew I was vulnerable in that moment, and he knew exactly the way to twist the words of what the person was saying to me.

So how could I have said no? Well, it's not easy for me. Words hold power over my mind. I needed just one moment, one crucial second, to recognize my brain reacting, before I opened my mouth, before I let the fear take control, just as I felt it coming over me - to take a breath. And after I took that breath, taking every ounce of courage and self control I had to ask, "what do you mean by that? This is what I just heard from what you said."

It's extremely embarrassing to me that there are people in my life who have loved me unconditionally and almost always say the right things - and still the second I hear something that sounds remotely like an attack, I immediately get angry, or believe that they are trying to hurt me or will just walk right out of my life. 

The thing I need to understand in order to overcome this is that we don't fall in and out of grace. We can't if we're choosing to hold onto God. So that's not even a thought to entertain - which is where self compassion comes in. We have the freedom to make these changes, to not beat ourselves up over it, because God is the only one who has the right to hold these mistakes against us, and He chose against that. 

Our value and worthiness are inherent. Our accomplishments and failures, our good and bad deeds, are irrelevant. IRRELEVANT! It's the same with God's unconditional love - and the love of your people. Let me say that again. Our value and worthiness are inherent, and God's love is unconditional. We do not have the power to change that. 

With that being true, it's impossible to grow while we shame ourselves. How can we? The devil is the one who is telling us to react, and then he's the one who's telling us we suck for reacting and that we'll never change, that we should freak out about it, and then puts us in a desperate cycle. 

Instead of asking ourselves questions that we can't answer like "Why am I like this?," we can say "Okay so that didn't end the way I wanted it to. Where could I have said no?" Once we take responsibility, after we've forgiven ourselves, we can go back and apologize, explain what happened to them if appropriate or just to ourselves, and let it go. Put it into the light, and let it go. And that is literally all we have to do. Without shame, without embarrassment. It's all "some some." 

The easier we are on ourselves, the less likely we are to react to other people who usually cause us to, because they are doing the same thing. They may be extra self critical, and when we are showing compassion to ourselves, it broadens our capacity to show compassion to others (which becomes contagious - compassion breeds compassion and in turn broadens their capacity to show it). And compassion is a beautiful quality. We all need it, don't we? I'm working hard every day to catch myself in that crucial moment, that may last only a second, to say "no." 

It's all our decision. And even if we want to get angry because that person just feels so awful, we have the choice - even after we give the benefit of the doubt - to tell them off after. 

We always have power and choice - over ourselves. We can't change them, and we can't change the value we have before God. We also can't change the value they have before God. 

I just know that sometimes I'm the person given the benefit of the doubt, and that's what I need in those moments. To be trusted. The more misunderstood I feel, the more desperate I become, and the more I react. 

I'm a strong willed person with a strong personality. Not everyone can relate to this. But if you can, I hope you can give yourself some grace, and grow along with me. 

It's not easy. But we don't have to arrive anywhere. It's all some some. I say more freedom, compassion, and kindness, just makes life a little softer to manage - and a whole lot more beautiful. That's worth it to me.